It’s Not Just a Feeling

Too often we are told that if we say we are depressed, people tell us to “get happy.” Like it’s something you can just go out and do. People don’t understand what they don’t want to. There was a family, a big family. From the outside looking in, everything seemed perfect. The parents wanted it that way. Towards the end of their baker's dozen, there was one who felt out of place, like she didn’t belong. Everyone was so good at everything, and she was ok being her.

As much as she was ok being her, she still felt out of place, like if she disappeared, the world would move on and not even blink. There were moments where this monster on her back would get the best of her and she came very close to giving up and giving in. It’s hard not to when you have a voice in your head telling you that you are not worthy and that everything is not going to be ok. If they saw the real you, they would feel the same.

Everyone putting you on this pedestal, that you don’t belong on. You are so high up there that everything below is blurry and you start to forget why you are up there. While you are up there, you start to feel a little better, but then depression comes like a monster in the night and starts spinning the wheel...till you fall off. It was nice while it lasted, but none of it was real.

There were a few times that I let it win. It made me weak and I gave in. But I survived for a reason. The monster had an opportunity to win, and it lost. Sometimes we are stronger than we think. Even with an illness that makes us feel mostly weak, we can come out strong. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to stop.

Depression hides under your bed so when you think you might get a good night's rest, it crawls out and reminds you of all that went wrong that day. It makes you feel like the reason everything went wrong, was because you can’t do anything right. Night is the worst because it is the most quiet, the monster can get in your head and make you hear him. He never says anything nice. So we put headphones on, but we listen to songs that we know will make us cry, because at this point, that is all you want to do.

Truth is, giving up is easy. But holding on, is WORTH IT! You are worth it. The truth about depression, no one will ever understand. Mainly because we can’t describe it to the full effect. It takes a lot out of us, it makes us tired and weak. Until recently, that’s what I thought. I have bad days, but I fight back with my good days. What helps me sleep at night is that I tell the monster, that we can’t have me today. Not today, not tomorrow or the next day. Depression is a never ending battle. But with the right support, you can win that battle. You are never alone. If you have family that doesn’t understand, you have a community of people going through it alone, same as you. It is a battle I fight every day. But at the end, I am able to say, “I won.”