Judgementalism

"We are all works in progress." I was told this numerous times as a kid by my mentor and in so many words by my parents and family. It's funny how long it takes us sometimes to begin embracing good advice, affectively converting knowledge into sage wisdom.

I also learned that wisdom isn't hearing good advice, it's the act of putting good advice into action—using what we learn in a manner conducive with the spirit in which it was given or proffered. Someone telling me to "stay away from drugs for fear they destroy my future" is good advice. Knowledge, but raw knowledge if you will. My being offered drugs, recalling this knowledge, and rejecting the offer—and rejecting the idea of what they would mean if I took them—that is wisdom executed.

I'm 51 years old. I'm a CIS male, heterosexual, and a father of five beautiful, smart, capable, and vibrant children. I am a great many things. Some good. Some not so good. I am also a recovering addict. At the tender age of 12 years old, I began smoking marijuana. The high was wonderful. For me it was a gateway drug, although I recognize that this isn't the case for everyone who uses it. (I want to say also that this isn't a diatribe on the ills of smoking weed.) However, for me, it opened the way for a life of drug abuse and lost potential. I've always been an experience whore. I hunger for new experiences, pleasures, and if the truth be told, I lean towards being a hedonist. The reasons why are complex and varied.

Maybe to be discussed in a different time.

Nonetheless, it's true. If it feels good, I wanted to try it. Experience it. Immerse myself in it. Physically, emotionally, and intellectually. If weed could feel so good, then alcohol should be interesting. What are Black Beauties? Cross Tops? Quaaludes? LSD? Mushrooms are natural, so why not? Peyote buttons? Cocaine, Crack, Crank, and Valium? Percocet, Vicodin, and Codeine? Ooh I've heard about opium. I'll never stock a needle, but maybe I'll smoke heroin. Can I really see trails and vivid colors with acid? It enhances libido too!

I've done almost everything under the sun street drug-related, and it all started from curiosity. I justified much of it intellectually as if I was some sort of young Timothy Leary. Research. Controlled environments, even note taking at times. Selecting who I was around in the event that I had a bad reaction or trip. Despite my efforts, I've been hospitalized more times than I care to admit. My middle name should be 5150.

I progressed eventually to opiates and designer drugs. Then Crank was replaced by Ice. When I discovered its effects on my libido and how it flooded my brain with feel good chemicals, I did copious amounts of meth and even dealing. Justified as simply a way to pay for my own habits, despite knowing I was still giving this poison to others for a profit. I can't take this back now and I shudder at how I may have impacted the lives of many.

My life now is different. I've been clean since October 2005, I have reconciled with my older kids, and made amends with those who would accept my apologies and my efforts. Some did; sadly some did not. I've confronted my fears. I continue to try to make amends when it's appropriate to do so. Why? Because regret doesn't have a shelf life or expiration date. I'm remarried, but my ex-wife, who used as well and still may, has accepted my apology. I'm grateful for that. I pray it helps her to see a future free from drugs and bitter histrionics too. My career? In shambles. Abandoned at this point. However, I have started a new life and, at this late juncture, a new career that has promise and affords me the income to support my family and my remaining two minor children. It's also amazing how much easier it is to budget your finances without burgeoning legal fines and income lost to your plug. It also allows me to care for my substantial mental and physical health issues related to years of abuse and neglect and genetics. Oh, did I mention I'm also bipolar? Ah yes... good times.

I am grateful though.

I am working on many things still. I am grateful for being alive still. I've come closer to death more than once at my own hand, and at the hand or weapon of others. I'm working on recognizing that we all have some burden to bear, and indeed some frailties to live with and try to work on strengthening. Now, with my mind clearing and the years of humbling experience coming into focus, I realize that no one can judge me and I'm certainly in no position to judge others. I cannot even judge myself. I am learning to think first; speak later and curve the inner voice that wants to judge others when I have so much to work on myself. Instead I try to lift others up mostly, finding something complimentary or encouraging to say. I still blow it. Sometimes passion or abhorrence of a certain character flaw gets the better of me. I speak out of pocket and almost immediately regret it. I meditate on what sort of hurt might I have caused or damage might i have caused. I almost always apologize. If I don't, it's because I cannot physically do so. Meaning I can't reach the person etc. Words cause wounds that everytime they are remembered, cut all over again. Words have power.

Use them for good. My advice is this: Never judge others unless you have walked in their shoes. Stay in your own lane. Work on keeping your side of the street clean and you will have no time to worry about your neighbors. Better yet, your example will inspire others to stay busy cleaning as well. Lead by example. Be patient with yourself and with others. Including neighbors and coworkers. Forgive others even if they don't deserve it. It's the most selfish thing you can do. Your healing will begin the day you do. Be patient and kind to folks online and in social media. You never know what they are dealing with. One word can save a life. One word can conversely and tragically cost a life.

Remember that.

To say something that has passed through the universal filter of LOVE is the greatest expression of wisdom.

As such, let me be the first to say, I'm proud of you.