July 21st, 2018

Dear Catherine,

Right now, it is 12:43 AM on July 21, 2018. There’s something I realized about myself tonight. Whenever I have like a really fun experience or vacation or whatever, afterwards it feels super distant. Like, if I go to a concert one night, I get home and I'm in my room and I can’t remember the feelings of like happiness and excitement I had at the concert. They always seem so far away like they happened a long time ago and I'm just remembering what happened, but I can’t feel what I felt. It’s just gone.

This is something that has happened my whole life. Now, I should also remind you, if you don’t remember, that I've struggled with depression for most of my life, and that might have to do with why I feel like this. But it still sucks because something can be so fun and give me so much joy, but then afterwards I'll feel so empty and not really sure if it really happened because all my feelings about it just got erased. It happens when I watch movies at night and just feels so annoyingly…I don’t even know. I just wish, for once, I could have a normal brain that didn’t hate me so much. I am also starting to feel a lot more closeted as well.

The closer I come to possibly coming out, I feel more and more trapped. Even though I'm not sure what I would come out as yet. I'm becoming so much more accepting of myself, and I want to tell everyone how proud I am to be me, but I can’t because I am still too scared to show people who I really am. God, why does this all have to be so complicated. I thought it was too easy because I didn’t have this major point where I realized I wasn’t straight and I was just sort of figuring it out as I went, but now I'm starting to see why its so hard. I don’t even know if I ever want to come out because it feels like such a daunting task, and what if I am just going through a phase.

What if I'm wrong? I'm so scared of what will happen if I come out and how that will change what people see in me and notice about me. I don’t want anything to change, and I'm afraid everything will. Why can’t I go back to when I was so much deeper in the closet and so naïve about all of this. No, wait, I want to go back so much farther so I can figure all this stuff out a lot earlier. Ugh, I don’t even know what I'm doing anymore.

You know how I mentioned earlier that I hate that I can never remember feelings of fun events? Well, I lied. Earlier today, or yesterday because its after midnight, was one of these so called fun events, which was a blast, but when I got home I did remember and feel one of the feelings I had during the event. And it wasn’t happiness, which would have been great. It wasn’t excitement. It was anxiety. Why was it anxiety? You might ask. Well, let me tell you. This particular event was a show I went to. I was super excited for it, but I was going alone. I don’t really have any friends, and especially no one who would want to go to this show with me. But I went ahead and bought a ticket anyway because I knew this might be my only chance to see it.

The day of the show came, and I was terrified. I don’t know if I've mentioned this before, but I have really bad social anxiety sometimes. So, there I was earlier tonight freaking out about whether or not I should go. I mean I spent money on the ticket so that should be reason enough, right? Wrong. I could justify wasting that money to myself, so that didn’t matter, but I really, really wanted to go to this show and see it in person.

So, I put everything out of my mind and just started driving there. I wasn’t thinking about anything, just listening to music and driving. Now, the farther I got away from my house, the more anxiety I felt. Because it was starting to sink in that I was going to do this. I was going by myself to this show. Well, it eventually got to the point where I was already almost half way there, and I couldn’t justify getting that far only to turn around.

Finally, I got to the place the show was, and I almost turned around there were so many people, and they were all going to judge me for being there alone. I found parking and started walking towards the building and to the end of the line, which was really long. I was behind a group of teenage girls and a mom, and I was in front of a teenage girl and her dad. I thought for sure they were all judging me, and my stomach was doing acrobatics, but I pushed through it all and made it inside and to my seat.

Once I sat down, I pretended to just be on my phone the whole time and ignoring everyone else, but I was really just looking around at everyone who was there with all their friends and family. My hands were literally shaking I was so scared, and even as I am writing this I am feeling that same level of anxiety just sitting on my bed remembering what it felt like. Well, eventually the show started, and I laughed and cried (both from laughing and happiness), and even though I was terrified, I also enjoyed it so much. The only problem is, now when I look back on it, I remember being happy, and I am so glad I went, but I feel that anxiety still. The absolute terror I felt at some points, and it almost ruins it for me. Because I don’t want to constantly look back on that moment and think, yeah, I was happy, but I can only remember the miserable feeling of it all. I don’t know if any of that even makes sense to you, but I'm glad I was able to get it off my chest.

On another note, I am continuing to feel more and more like I want to come out, but I am stuck behind this wall that won't let me. I mean I have so much anxiety about coming out, but, also, I've never really been a super open person when it comes to things like these. Even if this wasn’t something as big as saying to someone that I am gay, or might be bi, or whatever I figure out, I would still be terrified to say something. I just don’t know what to do about it. Ugh, why does everything have to feel so complicated all the time. I just want to have great friends and be out and proud and not have to worry I might accidentally spill the secret. But, hey, you can't always get what you want.

Sincerely,

Me