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Just Existing

What has happened to me?

I really wonder what has happened to me. In my school, when I was bullied, I turned into some kind of a wise, mature person. I became alone and I felt lonely. But that gave me the chance to explore introspection. I began to wonder what's the point of teaching about morals and kindness when "no one" (my class was like my whole world to me) is going to learn them. I was bullied as a feminine boy so I began to wonder why can't people see that a boy is a boy no matter what. I began to think like this and then for some reason, I felt I had started thinking on a universe level. I began to wonder what was the purpose of our existence. To take birth, to study, to give exams, to get a job, to get married, to have children, and then die? In fact, why do we have children when we find them annoying to raise? And then they leave us afterwards (a majority of them maybe). Anyway, but that was 4-5 years ago. Within 2 years after that, my classmates changed but not all of them. They all still bullied me but mildly then since we all were in our final two grades. We had to focus on our grades. But they became a bit friendly with me. It made me felt nice. But I guess that was a bad thing that shouldn't have happened. My brain changed its course of thinking. It went down from universal thinking to an average person's thinking and I felt I had dulled myself. I stopped thinking about universe and people. 

From loneliness, I went to not being lonely though I knew they won't be there for me when I would need their help. I realised that being bullied was my inspiration to think deeply through my soul. This worsened when I finished my high school. I took a gap year to prepare for my SAT and IELTS. The gap year had nobody to bully me or tease me or even pay attention to me. However, I saw that because I had started thinking on an average level, I wasn't able to perform well, at least in IELTS essay writing if not SAT. After that, I got admission in UWaterloo, I decided to spend rest of time doing something I like. But my father enrolled me in a French course at Alliance Francaise. And there I develop the hatred for French. It's such a dull language, so many things have gender and some words have multiple meanings. Pathetic! And somehow I had lost my passion for the Japanese language. Japanese was a language of emotions to me. Just hearing it was the proof that I wasn't made of stone. But now Japanese has become just a language for me. That further downgraded my brain. Right now, I am in my first year trying to find out how I can awaken my old self. but I wish all these things which brought introspective thinking had not brought it down. Without my thinking, I feel like I am just following the mass: thinking about a career, thinking about how to be the best and all those common thinking. I really miss my philosophical thinking. It made me felt like I thought just like a God. But now, I can't derive things. I could easily figure out why a person would hurt someone or why institutions require us to take exams or what's the real meaning of smiling. But now, I just can't. I feel like I am someone new who is more boring than before. I miss my old me.

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Just Existing
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