Life

Have you ever wondered why things happen the way they do? Have you ever awoken in the morning and asked yourself, "What really is the point of my continued existence on this planet?" I don't mean to the point of ending that existence, no, no, not at all—just, what the hell is the point of it all? Probably not quite to that extent, but you get my meaning, right? Truly what is life all about? Do I specifically have a purpose or direction; do I have any idea where my life is headed or where the hell I will end up 20 years from now, or even tomorrow? Sometimes I think my purpose is the same as it always has been, yet lately I seemed to have embarked on a new and different path that I am really enjoying with my past knowledge of a great many things keeping me in bread and water, to put it bluntly.

Ever-learning and ever-changing has become a constant. Now, I am not engineered to be the repetitive individual I once was. Let me explain the meaning behind that phrase—for so many years, I survived, literally, through the things I knew and had studied; the things that had become my occupation and my everyday existence were just the norm for me. There were no deviations from this way of being, this way of living or just simply existing.

Do not misunderstand, the things I have done in my life to this crux now have had their rewarding moments, no doubt; yet as I got older, these became fewer and fewer. I did still very much enjoy the occupation I had chosen and I still do for the most part. I am very good at what I do, although by no means do I find it challenging any longer. I feel as if I have gone as far as I can in the profession for various reasons that I will not get into, anyone that knows me will understand this; anyone that doesn't, well, it doesn't really matter. My point is, as a monetary incentive, this is what I shall continue to do to pay the bills and live my life comfortably until such a time as I can provide for myself by other means. This is not a bad thing either...

There is no reason I cannot make my living at just about anything my little heart desires; in this respect, I do certainly consider myself very lucky. Many people in this day and age do not have this luxury as I do. As self-centered and obnoxious as this may sound, it really is not meant to come across this way. Let's just say my options are not as limited as a great number of people, again for reasons I will not get into as they really have no relevance on what I am trying to get at here.

Having come to the realization that once I became a sober individual, truly I could do whatever I put my mind to. I grasped the opportunity. I have done nothing monumental to this point, but just knowing that I do not have to just survive with the way things were in my life simply to pay the bills and put food on the table was, in itself, very gratifying. I wrote a book, yes—yet is this the way I shall proceed? Who knows, this may be one of those flash in the pan kind of things. This book may never sell a single damn copy and I will have wasted a shitload of money, or so it would seem to onlookers that have no concept of what it was and is—this entire process of doing such—what it means to me. This was and remains to be a very large part of my recovery process and so I shall proceed with writing whether anyone else reads it or not, doesn't really matter to me; it really is the process of the action that counts here.

It's interesting to me how an entire new world can open up for a person at the age of 49, when I started this new lifestyle thing. How we can come to an understanding of ourselves that we never ever had before, simply because we were blind to it. Or, I guess in my case, I had given up, I was existing and nothing more... I kidded myself that I was happy. I went through the exact same drudgery over and over again thinking the entire time to myself that there simply was nothing more, my life and my experiences were as they would be for the rest of my existence and trying anything new was plain foolishness. I could not go any further in my career because of the drink and I just accepted this and continued on with my dreary existence because I was unaware things could change, that things could possibly get better. I was done. What an idiot.

Anyway, the reality of the big picture was quite obviously not what was rolling around in my brain of mush, my soddin' noggin's interpretation of how this world works. The mind of a practicing alcoholic can be very exasperating from the side of sobriety. Truthfully, I still have a very hard time believing I have even done this to myself, but you know what? Even though I am a little worse for wear from the many years of the drink, even though I had completely given up on myself for a very long time, I guess somewhere deep down inside I always wanted a way out. Now that I have found this new path of enlightenment; this brand new yet old direction, this direction that was always there, and there were people trying to show me this light the entire time; I now have this remarkable sense of self that I was not even aware was possible.

To thank a particular person that did never give up on me, I believe would be fruitless; I have tried and the subject always seems to taper off into another train of circumstance. So be it, she is aware of the gratitude I have, words are not necessary in this instance. Sometimes the unspoken words are truly the strongest words never spoken. Wrap your head around that one.

I do honestly wish there were more ways I could share the knowledge I have gained over the last two-ish years. I think there may be a market for such knowledge, yet these are things that I now believe can only be gained through each individual's own sense of need. This enlightenment can only be accomplished through one's own persistence, patience, and insight.

Where in fact I do go from this point on really does not matter as much as it once did. I am happy with myself, with my accomplishments of late, and I truly do not see myself ever lying back and simply going with the flow ever again. I have a desire to do, not just simply survive. The things as individuals we have can have the greatest feelings of renewal, even if you are doing nothing new at all. Personally, I am just doing things sober, and those feelings of just plain existence are no loner present. I no longer live to destroy myself, I live my life because I enjoy the things I do and the things I am still able to accomplish; and quite frankly, this is more than enough for me now. If I were to die tomorrow, I would not feel as if I had completely wasted my life. I stood for something, I mattered, and I am damn proud of this life I have led.