Life on the Edge

Everything was fine — at least that's what everyone around me thought. I was happy, dancing around, laughing out loud and having the greatest time of my life. I had everything I ever wanted, or at least that’s what they thought I wanted. All things considered I should be grateful for what I have or had. But, when the lights were turned off and there was no one around, the smile turned into a frown and tears flowed down my cheeks. Many nights I cried myself to sleep with a heavy heart. It was the only way to relive the pain… to feel whole in some way. Relive the heaviness. In the morning, I was the happiest person you'd ever meet. The smile and joy was back on my face. Truth be told, I was never happy, but being "happy" meant no one would keep asking me "what is wrong?" or say "you need to talk about it." See, being “happy” meant no more questions, no one trying to pry into my life. But I was never happy, I was alone with my thoughts.

To be perfectly honest, I felt as though someone had taken over my life and I was in the background. Trapped… nowhere and no one to run to. I was a stranger in my own body. I could not recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror. I felt alone, drowning in deep waters. I was drowning and I really needed to catch some air and for some like me, having people around trying to poke into my life continued to drive me to the edge. I like being on my own, with my thoughts, figuring out how to get “me” out of the world I had just found myself. It didn’t just happen overnight, that I'm sure, or I think I am.

Deep down, I thought about they many ways I could make it stop. There had to be a way out. I could not take it anymore. The heavy heart. The uncontrolled tears that seem to know exactly when to fall. The stranger I had just become to myself. Even thought about how it would feel once it was all over, the thought of it gave me relief and the heavy heart began to lighten up. With this new feeling, I continued to come up with ways to end the whole thing. The ideas were simple enough and no one would suspect it was an attempt on me trying to relief the pain, the darkness that had continued to grow darker. I tried a few of them and continued to imagine other ways. One way was not good enough, I needed another one in case the first one did not work out as planned. I had it all mapped out to the very day, date and time.

I discovered something new, something that changed my life and its light overpowered the darkness in me. So, I turned to it and held on for dear life. It was the one thing that took me to another place, a peaceful place where everything was okay. Music. They say it's healing, I say it saved my life. Music became my friend, my closest companion. It understood how I felt and gave me hope to live to see another day. Every beat, pick, and key became the soundtrack to my life. My life is filled with joy once more. This time, the joy is real. No stranger staring back at me. No darkness. I have control again. For three minutes and thirty seconds everything is right in my world, I am going to be just fine.

...

It's been five years and the music still plays. I am okay. I can breathe... Until the record stops.