Psyche is powered by Vocal creators. You support Kay Mellinger by reading, sharing and tipping stories... more

Psyche is powered by Vocal.
Vocal is a platform that provides storytelling tools and engaged communities for writers, musicians, filmmakers, podcasters, and other creators to get discovered and fund their creativity.

How does Vocal work?
Creators share their stories on Vocal’s communities. In return, creators earn money when they are tipped and when their stories are read.

How do I join Vocal?
Vocal welcomes creators of all shapes and sizes. Join for free and start creating.

To learn more about Vocal, visit our resources.

Show less

Life Was Such a Blur

The Life I Used to Live

For so many years, I would party and do insane things. I was a risk taker, impulsive, didn't care about the consequences of my actions, and never cared who got hurt. I was a delinquent. I had no respect for my parents or any adult authority. I was heading down a path I never knew existed. 

When I turned 13, it was as if I had entered an entirely different universe. I began drinking, doing drugs, having sex, running away, and got myself into serious legal trouble. I had no cares in the world. I was living my life the way I felt like it, and I wasn't about to let anyone tell me otherwise. Little did I know, I would be finding out that's not how life worked.

I would skip class or even full days of school just to go party with people twice my age! I was so drunk or high most of the time I wouldn't know who these people were, but I never cared. I was just having fun—what could go wrong? Well, apparently, a lot.

My drug of choice besides alcohol was Ecstasy. I loved the way I felt! I felt invincible. I felt like nothing could go wrong. I would go out, party, lie about my age, have wild crazy sex that I would barely remember, then end up spending a few days in jail. The moment I would get out, I'd wait a few days and head back out for more fun and adventures. 

My childhood was far from good. I was abused and treated so terribly that therapists deemed my behavior as normal until my adopted mother lied, saying I was just being a brat. Well, that was partially true. Otherwise, I just used the wild behavior as my outlet to distract myself from the ongoing abuse at home.

I had this thought that the more I took off, the easier life would be. I did learn a lot about life and what really is important while out on my adventures, but I never fully learned what it was like to be loved and enjoy a family. Partially my fault, partially my adopted family's fault. I would go out, come home so drunk, and just go to bed. I was an alcoholic by the time I was 14, and smoking so much pot that I smelled like it all the time. Nobody knew about my problem with the pills, though. Nobody realized when I was overly happy it was because I was on drugs worse than pot. They all just figured I was stoned. 

School was so easy for me that no matter how high or drunk I was, I could still breeze on by without anyone noticing. I loved school, but I loved chasing my addictions more. I loved being able to go out and feel free. I loved the attention I would get when I'd be out partying. 

Eventually, all my actions led me to end up in a juvenile prison for a year. I had finally done something bad enough that they sentenced me to prison. I had stabbed an officer with an ink pen, bad enough to cause him physical harm and damage. Did I care? No, I didn't. All I thought about was getting out and enjoying my life the way I wanted. Eventually, as the time went on while I was locked up, I started to realize how stupid I was being. Realized how crazy and unsafe I had been living. I had come to terms with the fact that if I decided to get out and continue to live my life that way, then I would end up back in prison or worse, dead.

I to this day only remember some of my teenage years. Most is honestly just a blur. I had no worries or fears. I will never forget the day that the realization of my actions actually hit me. I was sitting in this prison, reading a book, and all of a sudden had this feeling that it was time to think about what I wanted in life. Did I want to go to college? Of course, but for what? I still have yet to accomplish that goal, let alone figure out what I want to get a career in. Did I want a family? No, I honestly didn't want kids or to ever get married. I now have two beautiful boys, and I can say I'd never trade them for anything in the world. I still am not married, and I'm doubting I will ever be, and I can say I'm okay with that.

I had thought about my actions and what led me to be the horrible teen I was. I realized that if I continued down that road, nobody would miss me if I were to go back to prison, if I were to have died, or even disappeared. So I had asked to be placed in a group home for girls. I figured if I could make it there until my 18th birthday, I'd be set to succeed. I had overheard them talking to my case worker one day saying how I wouldn't be happy to find out that I'd have to go back home, to the place where I had been abused for so long, and that they weren't going to be the ones to tell me. I took that into my own hands and took off, ran away.

I was 17 at this point and had decided that I only needed to make it nine months, until I turned 18. I was facing felony charges at this time also for beating a girl up so horribly that they were charging me with felony child abuse because the girl was a few years younger than me. I didn't care about the fact that warrants would be out for my arrest, and I still took off.

I had fled the state, and went back to my old ways. I was drunk and high daily again, had not a single care in the world in regards to what my consequences were going to be if I got caught, and I didn't care what me missing was doing to those who might have cared. I was engaged, and I completely fled my fiance and everything I had once loved about him and I being a team. I was more concerned about when I'd be getting my next bottle or my next high. I chased these demons for months again.

I went to the next state and was reunited with some biological family. My uncle would put me to work around the place and in a sense make me earn my pot or alcohol. He actually helped me sober up for the most part. Yes, I was still drinking and smoking, but not nearly as much as I had been just a month before. I had some clarity. I started to have a conscious again and realized I was in a huge heap of trouble with the state and the law. So I finally came clean with my uncle about my warrants and the secret life I was living. He agreed to help get me back to settle the court stuff.

I haven't seen or hardly talked to my uncle since the day he dropped me off by my old friends, not because I don't want to... but because I feel so ashamed of what I had done. I felt so foolish for lying to him and hiding these things from him that I have just distanced myself again.

I still get the urge to go live my life the way I used to, but now that I'm a mother, I don't want to go back to living life in a blur, not knowing what I did or waiting to be drunk or high again. My ex smokes a lot of pot, which I'm not against in any way since I've done my fair share of research on what good it can do, but I know it will make me remember the good old days of being so messed up I couldn't function. That's not what I want. He was always trying to pressure me into smoking and would get mad when I'd say no. He never cared about why I would say no, he'd just get mad that I didn't want to do the things he wanted to do. Never cared about the reason why I would say no. 

My life was a blur for so many years, and I can't get those years back. I can't change how I lived before, but I surely can change my future. My future is my choice. My future is for my kids and me. I can't let my blurry teenage years come back and become my present. I just can't. They say ecstasy causing you to get holes in your brain, is it true? Maybe. Maybe that's why I can't remember a lot. Maybe the amount I used to drink did it. Or maybe just the combination of all the other drugs and drinking I used to do is what caused these memory lapses, I'm never going to know. Either way, I will never let my life become a blur again.

Now Reading
Life Was Such a Blur
Read Next
The Ultimate Hypocrite