Psyche logo

Listen

With National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Contact Information

By Morgan BinniePublished 7 years ago 5 min read
Like
Read if you are hurting or you're trying to find answers and don't know how. We can relate. 

Is anyone ever listening? How do I know that you're listening? How do I know that you care? Will you listen to me and help me find an answer or solution? Can you understand me? Are you willing to try to understand me? How in the hell can I get you to understand?

These are questions I ask myself everyday, thinking about the people I want to try to talk to. I feel like no one will understand me if I try to communicate and tell them what's wrong with me. I don't even know what's wrong, I can't find a solution. In fact, no one can.

My mind isn't the same anymore. I don't feel like me anymore. I always tell myself that someone has it worse than me, but then I realize I'm a human being, too. I'm hurt and I'm suffering. I ask for help, no one seems to understand. Does anyone else know what goes on in my head? Can anyone relate to the force in my mind that has complete control over me? These are questions I ask that aren't answered.

Everyday I feel the need to crawl out of my skin. It hurts. It literally hurts. No, it's not just the feeling like I need to start over because I don't like my life anymore. I actually like my life. It's just like my brain tells me I need to be out of my skin. It's telling me I need to start over. It doesn't want me to enjoy my life. It's an indescribable force that pushes me to the edge of insanity. I scratch the top, right at the edge of my papers at school. I scratch the hole in the back of my iPhone case that my camera peers through. I scratch a letter on my paper that I wrote "incorrectly," then erase it so it looks perfect to me. I touch the edge of my computer at work and keep having to do it like I'll die if I don't. If I don't give in to these impulses, I feel worse and my mind pushes me even farther to the edge. These are all mere examples of how my mind tells me it needs to get out. I don't know where it'll go or where it really wants to go. Maybe it'll go to Ireland where there's beautiful, green, rolling hills. How about Scotland where its ancestors originated? Or its imaginative land called "Neverland," like in Peter Pan, where pain is no more? My mind wants to go somewhere, where it won't hurt anymore, where it can think clearly, and love its life. I have no control over what my mind wants.

Will anyone listen to what I have to say? Will anyone understand the constant pain I'm in? I'm not certain anymore. For 19 years, I've been in pain. Since 1998, the year this magnificent mind was born, it's been hurting everyday. I've been hurting every day. My joints hurt to the point where I want to cut off my hands and feet. Every muscle in my body feels so tight that I can't sit still. My brain hurts and I get nervous and tingling sensations through my head and extremities. Have you ever felt your head go numb and tingle, just like how your feet feel when they "fall asleep"? If you haven't, it feels like the left side of your head and brain is going to melt off. After countless tests, no doctor has ever been able to discover why I hurt so much everyday. Will you listen to me and let me explain what it feels like to be told for 19 years that there is nothing wrong? Can I please explain to someone that is willing to listen?

I can't take it anymore. Muscle, ankle, wrist, neck, head, feet, toes, hands, fingers, arms, legs, anxiety, depression, ADHD, OCD, and what else, PTSD? At least, I've been told PTSD is a possibility for me... EVERY DAY. My mind is not healthy anymore. Can this all just be a dream? Will I wake up one day as still a baby and be able to relive every moment of my life without pain? Is there anyone out there to ease my mind, tell me what's wrong with me, and help me find solutions in fixing it?

The depression started when I finally realized no one is going to discover the root cause of my pain. I became hopeless, scared, unmotivated and even suicidal. I'm struggling in school because I can't pay attention. I don't want to pay attention. I have no more motivation. I don't talk to my closest friends. I seclude myself from the outside world because it doesn't deserve me. My boyfriend, who has supported me and stood by this pain for three whole years, doesn't deserve me. He tells me that he loves me and that he wants me for eternity, and I believe him. I love him. Do you know what it feels like to be loved and needed, but think that you're not worth it? I know I'm loved and I know I'm important. However, my mind tells me differently. It wants to be gone. It wants to fall off the face of the Earth. It wants to be relieved of the force that's pushing it away from reality. I want to be okay, I want to be strong, motivated, a good wife to my husband, and good mother to my children. I want to succeed in school and become an Ultrasound technician. I want to see my boyfriend succeed and live a full life with him. That's what I want, not my mind.

Did anyone listen to me?

I have not attempted suicide, nor do I want to. I do think of ways that I could hurt myself. I don't do it because I know I'm loved. YOU ARE, TOO.

If you are in need of assistance in a difficult situation, please reach out to the National Suicidal Prevention Lifeline. You can call them at 1 (800) 273-8255 or text them, text "HELLO" to 741-741. In an emergency, call 911. These people are there to support you, like they have supported me.

depression
Like

About the Creator

Morgan Binnie

I am a loving and caring girlfriend and medical assistant. I am currently going to school for Sonography and I love photography. I've always been a good writer but didn't necessarily like writing.

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.