Depression is living in a state of mind that anything and everything you do will never live up to the expectations you or the people around you have set. It is feeling like there is no hope in trying and the best thing to do is spend days at a time, wrapped in a blanket in the safety of your bed. Depression feels like you have your head in a bucket of water or that you are wrapped in a dark, tight, suffocating cloud that never leaves.
On the other hand, a Christian lifestyle means giving complete control to God. In theory, this sounds phenomenal and for the most part, I can say that I've given the responsibility to him in most things. As for the burden of my mental health... I, for some reason, cannot turn those things over to him. So why can I give him control of my entire life but not my thoughts?
To put things into perspective, I was born and raised in a Southern Baptist church but I stopped attending after elementary school. In my senior year of high school, I joined a church and got baptized a year after that. I've been a strong (as strong as I can be), practicing, worshipping Christian for 4 years. I was diagnosed with depression, general anxiety and PTSD in the Fall of 2015. Although I am sure I lived with these for years before, 2015 was when I decided I had had enough and it was time to get it under control. So I'd say for the past two years of my life, I have been split between my mental disorders and my Christian faith.
I have spoken to many Christians and Christian leaders about my constant battle between my mind of depression and my soul as a believing Christian. Almost all of them have told me "You just have to trust in God," or "You just have to hand it all over to God." Well, surprise! It is a little easier for people to say those things to someone who just got a flat tire on their way to school or someone who applied for a promotion and is waiting for a response.
Am I selfish? Ashamed? Stubborn? Why isn't it as easy as everyone makes it seem? Why can't I just hand it over and move on? God I know you give us trials and tribulations but I can't do this for much longer. God I know and love and trust you but please take this out of my control. Please release me from this unrelenting, exhausting battle.
So now, here I am, stuck living in this mindset that is drowning me, lifting me up for a little air and then submerging my head again. My depressed and anxious side makes me feel like a failing Christian and a disappointment to God because I can't give him control. My strong Christian-belief side tells me that I'm wrong and God is just waiting patiently for me to turn it over to him.
From a broad and naive perspective, one would think having strong faith would make it easier to sort out the confusion. Maybe it is and I just haven't figured it out yet.