Living with a Mental Illness – Starting University

Hey, everyone, this is my very first post and I'm so excited I get to share my own personal story with you. I was diagnosed with major depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) around two years ago. I've never a platform where I was comfortable enough to share my story with people.

I have recently started college, and hopefully, my story will help you feel slightly less alone. My college has around 17,000 students, and it is so easy to fade into the crowd, to feel alone, to feel overwhelmed and to feel like nobody cares when there are so many students in one college. My previous experiences with schools did not prepare for what college was going to be like. My schools were always small, where everybody knew each other, and all the teachers knew who you were, and your mom, dad, grandparents, siblings, and cousins (oh, the joys of living in a small town!).

I did not know what to expect at all when I started college. At this stage of my life, I was already taking two medications for both depression and anxiety. They were working and all of a sudden I started college and it all started to get worse. The feelings of hopelessness, having no will to living, and the tiredness began to catch up with me. It was as if someone had turned down the volume, and they weren't so loud anymore. But then, as the acceptance letter came, and it got closer and closer to the start date, someone decided to crank up the sound and those feelings have never been louder or stronger. It's as if all the work I put in pre-college was just gone down the drain.

I've only been there for three weeks. It's a new challenge, like for every other first year in the country. I understand that. I understand the fear, the bittersweet feeling of leaving home for the very first time, the excitement and everything that comes with it. What some don't understand, however, is that I feel all those emotions and much, much, much more, and they are so very intensified than what most first years feel.

With those feelings comes the tiredness, that won't go away no matter how much I sleep. The feelings of hopelessness and the desperation start to kick in. At least, that's how it all went down for me. It was the scariest thing I ever did in my life and I'm still trying to figure it all out. Those feelings are still present, every time I go to my lectures or when I try to make new friends. The anxiety kicked in as well as the depression, the tumultuous and arduous battle I'd been facing for so long, that had finally quieted down was back, and it was tougher than ever. It is still tough. I have missed lectures, and I have cried myself to sleep. I wanted to share this with you guys to let you know that starting college is tough. But if you can't stick with it, or it becomes too much for you, it doesn't make you a failure.

Every few days I will be posting updates on how college life is going, and my story of living with a mental illness and how it has affected my life.

Much love.