Living with a Mind That Wants to Die and a Body That's Fighting to Stay Alive

Almost everyone that knows me knows that I've struggled with depression for many years. It's a battle that I hid and tried to fight on my own for a very long time. As I got older, my depression got worse. I was just shy of 15 when I started to struggle with suicidal thoughts—and I still struggle with them chronically six years later.

I find myself struggling with suicide more often than I would like to admit. However, just because I may be battling with these feelings doesn't always mean I want to act out on them. Unfortunately, I have acted out on these feelings in the past, but I'm usually able to quiet my mind and not give into the impulses.

I live with a mind that wants to die, and a body that's fighting to stay alive. Literally. My mind isn't always bright and lively. A lot of the time, it's a dark place. I struggle with intense and all-encompassing feelings of sadness on an almost daily basis. Some days fleeting thoughts of wanting to give up creep into my mind. But as I said before, I don't feel an urge to act on the thoughts very often; they go as quickly as they came, and they don't linger.

I have an active body, I always have. I always have to be doing something and to keep a busy schedule. I don't do well when I have a lot of downtime, and I don't do well just sitting still. I'm always moving, even if I'm just bouncing my leg, I physically can't be still.

My body fights for me every day. My body has to fight to just stand and walk for long periods of time. It fights to keep me moving and active, even when I just want to lay in bed all day. It fights to keep my mind active and not stationed in a dark place. My body fights to keep me alive every single day.

My mind, on the other hand, isn't always as kind to me. My mind whispers things to me like "You're not good enough" or lists all of my "failures" and wrongdoings instead of all of the things I've overcome and accomplished the past 21 years. I'm not saying that my mind is always dark and scary because there are days when my depression isn't as bad as it usually is. But recently, the bad days have outweighed the good days.

Living with an active body and dark mind isn't easy. Some days, my mind overpowers my body, and I'm not able to find joy in things that I typically enjoy like writing. Lately, finding the motivation to write and do other things I enjoy has been really difficult.

Because my mind and my body aren't always in sync with one another, I am always tired. Some days, no amount of sleep is enough to help me feel energized. Other days, my body catches up to my mind and I have absolutely no energy or motivation to get things done. But even on my bad days, I still manage to work and do things that need to get done.

My mind isn't always my worst enemy, there are times when I can go days or weeks without having any suicidal thoughts. I am able to find joy in the little things in life, like a pretty sunset or coffee with a friend. As I've gotten older, I've come to the realization that my mind and my body are my friends. It took me years to realize that, and I still have days where I struggle to believe that.

Living with a mind that wants to die and a body that's fighting to stay alive isn't easy. It takes a lot of work to not let the bad days outweigh the good days. Dealing with these chronic thoughts is difficult, but not impossible.

Finding balance is key to keep me going. On bad days, my body has to recognize that my mind isn't in a good place, and I need to find ways to keep me distracted and out of my head. And on good days, I can't let happiness turn to euphoria. I have to keep both my mind and my body calm.

Like I said, living with a dark mind and an active body isn't easy. There are good days and bad days, and that's why finding balance has become vital to my well being. Every day presents its own set of challenges and obstacles to tackle, but any day that I don't give into my impulses is a good day in my book.