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Living With a Narcissist

Ways of Coping as a Child of a Narcissistic Parent

By Lily HannahPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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Credit: Photo by Kat Smith from Pexels 

If you know or suspect somebody is a 'Narcissist,' chances are asking them isn't going to do you any good. Reading through articles and books written by rare narcissists who have realised their condition, it’s easy to see how difficult it is to encourage them to change their behaviour. In some cases, the self assured and unapologetic tone of these works is eerie at best. Narcissism by definition makes a person less likely to see that there is anything wrong with themselves, which makes it difficult to diagnose. After all, how do you break through to someone who is entirely convinced that they are right?

Realistically, you can’t.

For a lot of children of narcissistic parents, there is very little you can do to provide support for someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and often very little is actually done to help children since most often the problems they face do not emerge until later in their life, if at all. Narcissists love to give off the illusion of a perfect family — in some cases, children will be so afraid of shattering this portrait that they do not ever seek help. Even when they do, not everybody even understands.

Below are a few suggestions to help the children of narcissists cope, no matter where you are in your life.

1. Accept that you will never be good enough for them.

And be happy about it!

Realising this is the first step to letting go of that constant guilt plaguing you that you will never be good enough for them. Because you never will. It may seem harsh to say so, but narcissists have such high expectations that you will not be able to live up to them, no matter how hard you work, no matter the effort you put in. For some narcissists, even a child who reached the ultimate heights of society would still be a disappointment. That is not your fault. Do the best you can but never criticise yourself for not being what somebody else wants you to be.

2. Self-encouragement

Do not expect it from the narcissist. They do not understand encouragement, nor do they understand how it can benefit somebody, especially a child.

Think back to childhood — did the narcissist praise you for small achievements or did they point out all the ways you failed them? Did they promote your individuality or did they force their expectations on you- being what they wanted you to be, doing what they wanted you to do? For male children, they may have pushed you into sports you didn’t want to do, even competed against you just to feel smug about themselves. For girls, you may have been their little angel until you grew up and started to form your own opinions, started to put on puppy fat, or wanted to do something more than being a housewife.

You may have to find some way of encouraging yourself. If you have few people around you to help, find ways ot praising yourself for your achievements. Treat yourself to a little present, write positive words on post it notes, take time out every day to remind yourself of your good things.

3. Find healthy ways to improve yourself.

Nobody is perfect, but that doesn’t mean you should be ashamed of your failures. Narcissists do not tolerate failure in any form and will let you know it. That may be through physical or emotional torment. Regardless, their goal is the same: to fashion you into the perfect miniature version of themselves. Some narcissists don’t accept that they have any faults or failures- some may recognise them but ignore them in favour of taking it out on those around them.

Accept that you will make mistakes, that you will have faults. Work on them. Allow yourself to see where you went wrong but know that you can find support. Everybody makes mistakes.

4. Go your own way.

When a parent looks at their child, it is only natural for them to want the best for them, to imagine what they might be. Generally these tend to be successful, professional careers — doctors, lawyers, teachers. This is all well and good, but everybody is different and that means we all have different strengths, weaknesses, hobbies, interests, desires, wants…What may be easy to one person may be difficult to another. This is especially evident for a child of a narcissist, being constantly criticised, their faults pointed out. A narcissist likely has an idea of where they want you to be but instead of being flexible and compassionate, any resistance to this is seen as a personal affront and another failure in their child. You want to be a musician- they see this as a ridiculous dream. You want to be a nurse- they don’t see it as successful enough. You want to work to help people- it doesn’t pay enough.

As in with the first point, you will never live up to their expectations. Even if you did there would be no way of sustaining them. So don’t try. Work for yourself, not for other people.

5. Be confident that your opinions are your own.

Narcissists will argue the toss with you. Red will be blue, blue will be green, day will be night and night will be day. They will lie and say they never told you something they clearly told you five minutes before. Even with witnesses they will not back down. Your opinions, no matter how reasonable, will always be wrong unless you agree with the narcissist- no ifs, no buts. There will be no compromise.

This difference in opinion will most likely come to a head in political conversation.

Younger people generally tend to be more liberal and open minded than the older generations. That isn’t to say the two cannot mix or that it will always be the case. Politics is fluid and there are some things you may even agree on. With a non-narcissist you may have a calm, composed and professional debate, with compromise and recognition. With a narcissist, there is no room for compromise. There is only black and white.

Don’t think you can change them. Don’t exert yourself trying to compromise.

6. Find Help. Talk to Somebody. Relax.

There are other people out there in the same situation as you are. Your family are likely experiencing the same feelings, same thoughts. You may or may not be able to talk to them but you can help one another, support one another emotionally. That, however, can be draining. It doesn’t help either that for a lot of families, the narcissist has already convinced everybody else that they are wonderful, that the family is perfect. They may have put the ideas into other minds that you or other sufferers in your family are ‘crazy’, ‘emotional’ or ridiculous. It can make it hard to get help when even your friends go, “really? You must be imagining things! He/she is great!”

If you are struggling to find somebody in your social groups to talk to, seek professional help from a medical professional. Speak to a counsellor or your GP about your mental health. If you rely on the narcissist, you may feel that you are left alone. They may be your only mode of transport or finance. If you cannot find ways to get to appointments or access counselling, use the internet. If the narcissist controls your Internet, make use of Google Incognito to browse. There are a number of websites where you can talk anonymously to a qualified counsellor or find helplines in your area/country. It can be difficult, especially should the narcissist realise you are breaking free. They may tighten their grip but don’t give up the fight.

And finally, relax. Having spent your life trying to please somebody who is only in it for themselves, take time away for yourself. Do what makes you happy and don’t let them stop you.

7. And Finally…

Your experience of a narcissist may be different to mine because every family has different circumstances. These are only a few tips I have picked up from my own experience since learning about narcissism and realising I am the child of a narcissistic parent. I have not yet fully escaped the household, nor will I likely any time soon given the current economic situation for Millennials like me. I cannot change the narcissist’s mind or behaviour. But I can change mine. Some of these tips may not work for you or your situation but hopefully they can at least encourage you to understand you are not alone.

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