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Living with Anxiety

My Experiences

Living with anxiety is one of the most difficult things. It makes you dread going out every single day because you're scared of having a panic attack, so you decide to not even try. There are so many things you want to do with your life but you overthink them all, and begin to put yourself down. 'What if I'm not good enough.' 'What if I look bad in front of everyone.' 'What if I don't fit in.' These are things that I, personally, think about every day. I never speak to myself kindly and tell myself what's good. I always pick at the little things about myself that are bad, or that are 'not normal'. I hate the word normal.

Every single person's anxiety is different. I suffer from two types. I'm currently unsure of what my main one is classified as, but basically, I always have panic attacks because of trees swaying or leaves brushing against each other. This is such a stupid thing to get yourself worked up about to the point of a panic attack, and I know that nothing that harmless can hurt me. But, for some reason even though I know these things, it doesn't stop me from panicking.

My second anxiety is called social anxiety. I'm not afraid of being in crowds, but I'm afraid of talking to people that I don't really know, and putting myself in social situations. Since an extremely young age, I was never able to go into a shop and buy something on my own. I couldn't talk to anyone that I didn't particularly know. At my school, I was going through a tough time and there were so many teachers that were willing to support me and to listen to me, and I had so much support waiting for me. But me being my stupid, overthinking self, I never went to those sources of support when I needed them the most because I couldn't express how I was truly feeling. If I'm upset, I won't cry in front of anybody. If somebody asks me how I am, I'll just say "I'm fine" and put on a fake smile. I want to tell people how I feel, but there's something in me that feels like it's forcing me to hide everything away, and something that is inside of me that is physically holding my mouth shut, restraining me from speaking to anyone.

I used to refuse to go to school because I was worried about the most stupid, little things. 

My mum gave me this little pouch and inside there is this tiny stone. It means a lot to her, and the pouch was what she and my father kept their wedding rings in during their ceremony. She gave it to me so whenever I feel enclosed or I can't breathe or I'm having a panic attack, I can just squeeze that pouch with that special stone in and I immediately think of my mother, which calms me down. I have such a strong relationship with my parents and with my brother, I think that's the one main thing that keeps me going in life, and they inspire me to never give up. 

For dealing with anxiety, my one piece of advice that has gotten me through so much is:

Find somebody that you truly care about. Find somebody that has always been there for you who you can trust with your life. It doesn't have to be family, it can be a friend. It can even be a pet! Just anybody that you have a strong bond and a strong connection with. You should then find/ask for something small that can easily fit into a pocket. Something that means a lot to them and that they trust you enough to carry it around with you. Now whenever you're in a panicky state, take out that small, valuable object and just hold it in the palm of your hand and think about who gave that to you. They care about you enough to give you something to valuable to them. There is someone out there who cares about you.

Just remember: You're not the only person going through this. Sometimes, life can throw so many hurdles at us it's almost impossible to jump over each one, and there will be times when we fall flat on our face. The only solution is to get back up, get your momentum, and continue clearing those hurdles like your life depends on it. It can feel like the world is crashing down and that everyone is against you, but there are so many people who feel the same way, you're not the only person. You're not alone. No matter what you're going through, there WILL be somebody else going through the exact same thing. Whether they are struggling with it or not, they are still trying to cope. You are never alone, and there is ALWAYS somebody out there who cares for you.

Author's Note:

I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in this, or if some parts don't make sense. I was just typing every single thing about this topic that came across my mind, and I just threw it onto my page. If it seems a bit jumbled up, I apologize. I really hope that something in here helped you, and made sense. Like I said, these are just my experiences and are just things that help ME. It won't work for everybody, but at least it's something you can try instead of being out of ideas and struggling with your anxiety.

I really hope this helped somebody out there :)

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