Living with Bipolar Type 2

Bipolar, by definition, is a disorder defined by mood swings, depressive and raging manic episodes.

I’ve been living with bipolar since I was 3-years-old. I was only recently diagnosed by a professional. You hear people say that depression is not real. And you may also hear people say that anxiety is not a valid excuse. In my case, they are both the reasons I struggle to live each day, and here’s why.

The depression I live with is pretty much life-threatening. I can function on a daily basis 80 percent of the time. The other 20 percent though, I’m like a lost puppy. At this very moment, I haven’t showered or brushed my hair in four days. I haven’t shaved my legs in two months. I haven’t brushed my teeth in almost five days. I can get through the sadness, but I struggle to get past the unending lack of motivation to take care of myself. This is more of a recent discovery, considering I’ve always been one to keep up with my physical hygiene. When I was a teenager, I dealt with my depression by doing drugs and drinking all day long. I liked the fact that I wasn’t feeling sad anymore, which is kind of comical considering that alcohol is a depressant. Anyways, depression has begun to control my life. I can’t have a job because I can’t get out of bed in the morning. I can’t be in a relationship because the smallest error makes me want to harm myself. I hate that I can’t live this “normal” life because something inside of me feels like it is dying.

Anxiety has controlled my mind for as long as I can remember. And it upsets me that people believe it’s not a valid excuse for being held back in life. I have had my license for three years, and I have never had a problem driving until a month ago. That’s when I started thinking about the tragic things that can happen while I am driving my car. And it’s not the fact that I know what’s possible; it’s the never ending thoughts about it that make me afraid to walk within a foot of my car. Anxiety isn’t just being nervous when you take a test, or being scared to go on stage to sing a song. It’s also putting your chair in the corner of your living room so that you can see all entrances to your home. It means leaving all the lights on in your house at night when you’re home alone, just so you can see shadows of people walking in your house when you have your bedroom door shut. It’s not just a mental health disorder. It’s a lifestyle that you just can’t fix overnight.

And here come the manic episodes. Television shows manic episodes as acting out in extreme ways and putting yourself and others in danger. But it’s not always like that. My manic episodes are doing things like walking for two hours at 9 o’clock at night. Or buying $25 worth of lottery tickets, even thought I never win. I spent two whole weeks baking banana bread this summer. See, I don’t do drugs anymore and I don’t go on drinking binges. I am not violent. I am not dangerous. I simply feel the need to do something, just because I can do it.

Living with bipolar has changed my life in so many ways. But I’m not going to let it stop me. I’m going to take a shower eventually. I will brush my hair. I will get up and make breakfast before 9 o’clock. I will do the things that I struggle to do. I just need to find the strength to do them.