Living With Depression

When I was a kid, I was bullied so badly that even now when I have friends, I feel as though they don't really like me. This developed into severe depression and anxiety. I remember once in elementary school, an entire table full of girls (from my class) stood up and left as soon as I sat down to eat with them. There were two girls who stayed behind but still rarely hung out with me at recess. I learned that not everyone will like you, but why did NO ONE like me? I wasn't mean or rude, I was an average student, I helped kids in class with problems during class if I could, why didn't anyone want to actually be my friend? Oh that's right, my family was poor, that's it. It wasn't like we had nothing, we just couldn't afford certain luxuries. However, I loved my family life! We always had food on the table always had a roof over our heads, always had running water and electricity. In fact, the only time I was doing okay mentally was when I was with my family. The only problem was, I would avoid school by being "sick" if I could to avoid the mean kids as I called them. I never thought about killing myself, but more of, if I didn't wake up tomorrow it would be okay or maybe if I stand in the street a truck will hit me and it will all be over.

Flash forward to now, I have a couple really good friends and I am married. My husband was worried about me though, as I had random outbursts of anger over minor things, I wasn't getting out of bed until one or two in the afternoon, unless I had to work, I was barely showering and I would just sit on the couch and watch TV blankly. I would barely register what was going on in the movie or show we were watching. He told me to go to the doctor. I made an appointment and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I started taking medication that works for me, and I do use cannabis as well, mostly for pain but it does help with the depression and anxiety. I left my job to go back to school thanks to my husband's encouragement. However, going to class some days can be hard. If I am having a bad day I have to fight just to get out of bed.

Some days I wake up at 8 AM, I get up go to the bathroom, then feed my cats and let the dogs out. While they are outside, I make breakfast (generally just some toast or granola bar sometimes cereal and a cup of coffee), I then put down the dog's food, let them in and then get dressed and ready. I go pack my backpack, make sure I have all of my books for that day and that my laptop is charged and then I'm off to class.

On the days where I feel depressed and low energy. I sleep until about 9 AM and since my classes start at 11 I have to rush a bit, generally I don't have time for breakfast but instead while the dogs are out, I get dressed slowly. Contemplating staying home. This is generally the conversation I have with myself, "Why would it matter? It's one day. I can miss one day. No, no I need to go, I can't miss my math class, I've never been good at math, missing one day can throw me off and I'm screwed. Well, maybe I can miss my first class, it's just English, I'm doing fine in that class..." I sit and think about this until I hear the dogs barking to get in and realize I need to go to class.

The drive there seems to fly by, I barley realize how I got there or found parking. I usually get there about 30 minutes early so I can play on my phone, but these days I just puff on my e-cig and contemplate going back home. Again, I go through the conversation again in my head making new excuses like, "If I go home now, I can get the refrigerator clean. Maybe I can get the dishwasher loaded and then start dinner early so my mom can eat as soon as possible instead of having to wait for me to cook when I get home from class..." By this time I look at the clock and it's time to go in so I just suck it up and go. But the temptation is there.

When I study for a test like a crazy person for a week before a test or exam and still only get a C, I get discouraged and think that maybe I should just drop out now, because that way I won't own anymore than what I've already used of my student loans. My husband does his best to keep me motivated, If he is awake (he works nights) in the morning when I am getting ready and I'm having a bad day, he will tell me I should really get to class, but if I just can't handle it that day that he would understand. I usually end up going but there are days where it would be better to just stay home, because all I can focus on in class is how depressed I am and trying to figure out what has caused it. Most times it's nothing, it's just the illness, other times I think about my dad who passed away and that makes me sad wondering if he would be proud of me for admitting my illness and pushing through or if he would be disjointed that I was weak and had to go on medication. My mom and husband often remind me that admitting there was an issue was the strongest thing I could have done.

Life gets hard sometimes, but working through the issues and often times talking to someone, a friend, family member, doctor, or teacher can help. Figuring out that I've been depressed since childhood and that depression runs in my family made me feel better it explains so much now. If you are feeling depressed, alone or suicidal please seek help. Life gets better, I never thought I would find a life partner like my husband, but I managed to find him and some friends who would always be there. Please call the suicide hotline if you need help, call 1-800-273-8255 they have hotlines for everyone. Please do not end your life, there are people who care.