Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder
Why it is more scary for us than for you.
The first reaction I normally get when people find out I have DID is "Are you going to hurt me?" You wouldn't' say something like that to anybody with Cancer or somebody with depression so why is that the first thing that springs to people's minds when they find out about this? Personally, I think it is down to the fact that it is so badly represented in the media.
Nearly everything I have seen or read about Dissociative Identity Disorder (or Multiple Personality Disorder) since I was diagnosed is negative. On TV shows like CSI or Criminal Minds, they always show it as the person that has committed the crime as having this disorder.
This is totally unfair. Why do people think that because you have this then you must be an evil, bad person? Yes, we have a lot of problems to deal with but there are a lot more criminals that have nothing like this to blame it on but people are still more scared of us.
Daily life with DID can be very difficult, you don't know from one minute to the next who will be "out". I find that for me personally if I get very stressed out then Jemima, who is 4 will be the person that is here to look after me, she does fun, playful things that release all the stress, whether it's by doing coloring, playing games or watching children's TV. Because I also have other health problems, at night Ariel who is around 2 comes to sleep for me as she doesn't feel the pain etc as badly as anybody else so she gets to snuggle up with teddies and listen to bedtime stories. Annie is 74 and she does all of the household things like food shopping, helping with our daughters and generally being a stand in for me when I'm not here. There are a lot of others too, each one, for me, has a purpose. Blossom is a tree who looks after me when I am in a lot of pain, she cannot feel anything so although I don't remember it, I can have as long as she is out with no pain.
There are also some "nasties." They will do whatever they can to cause me pain and punish me. They have never and would never hurt anybody other than me, on a couple of occasions my husband has got hurt trying to protect me from them but as he said, that was his choice and he knew that it could happen, but they weren't trying to to hurt him, he got hurt trying to stop them hurting me. For example, trying to get something from their hands, he has twisted his arm or something like that. I feel so guilty when that happens but I do know that their aim is to hurt me not him so I tell him to keep away if that happens and if I get hurt so be it but I don't want to feel as though "I" have hurt him, even though it's not me it's one of them.
I know people don't understand it, and some people don't want to understand it. Some people think it's me doing it, and quite honestly, if they knew me at all they would know that I'm not confident or brave enough to do or say some of the things my "littles" do or say. Annie is my confident part, she won't let anybody say or do anything against me, I, on the other hand, will let people walk all over me and be too scared to say anything, just put up with it and try and avoid certain situations. Whereas she will deal with whatever comes her way, protecting me as much as she can and helping me through everything.
I have days where when I wake up in the morning I hate myself and feel as though I am such a burden on everybody. When it's a day where the younger ones are out a lot my husband and children (18 and 13) have to help look after them. Jemima and Ariel behave just like any other 4 and 2 year olds, they want cuddles, they want sweets and ice cream, they want to play and go to the park, but unfortunately some of those things they can't do. I am diabetic so they can't eat as many sweets and ice creams as other children and because people can see me and not them they can't play at the park because people stare and point and talk about them very loudly at times, making them very upset. I have to admit, there have been times when I've thought about having a t-shirt made that says "If you want to know then ask, please don't stare" I really would rather than people asked me what I am doing instead of making my alters feel so uncomfortable.
From now I will be calling my alters "littles" as that is what mine prefer to be called.
Our daily routine is not really any different to anybody elses, it just makes it a little more exciting with not knowing who is going to be doing what.
Jemima is normally the one that wakes up in the morning, she is amazing, she takes her medicines, gets herself washed and dressed as best as a four-year-old can. Sometimes she needs help with brushing her hair but with two teenage girls in the house, there's never a shortage of someone to do that for her. We take the girls to school and college and then my husband takes her to the park to feed the ducks. Because of my other health problems she has to use a wheelchair (or a pushchair as she calls it), she does get frustrated because she can't run around like she wants to but she understands that if she does then it will hurt her, so sometimes she can manage a little walk but it's no different to any other disabled child, she has adapted to what she can and can't do. She has times when she cries because she is frustrated and doesn't like being "different" but she is so brave with everything she has to go through every day.
After the park we go to the supermarket, we do this every day just for something to do. Annie plans the meals for the week and comes and does the shopping. If I haven't been out for a while it gives my husband some adult conversation while they have a chat walking around the shop and then they get a cup of tea afterward. It gives them time to talk about anything that needs an adult discussion without the girls around.
After that we normally come home and have some lunch, everybody has their own favorite lunches. Jemima loves hot dogs or salad, Ariel prefers things that she can eat with her fingers, Annie is quite happy to have a sandwich.
After lunch if Jemima is here then she usually plays a game on the laptop or watches something on TV until our youngest comes home from school and then we just hope that either myself or one of the older ones are here to cook the dinner, if not then it falls to my husband or eldest daughter to prepare and cook the dinner.
When it gets to bedtime, Jemima will go to bed around 8:30 and then plays with one of the girls for a little while and then one of them reads her a story. This is pretty much the pattern for most days, obviously, the nature of DID is that it changes from one minute to the next so it is difficult to plan things, for example, going out, seeing friends or medical appointments, which I will come onto in a moment.
A lot of health professionals have actually really surprised me, in that a lot of them don't really know much if anything about DID. Jemima and Ariel are scared of doctors, as a lot of small children are, and this is definitely true for our GP surgery. They don't understand that they should treat both of them as the age they are and that they should know that little children don't like going to the doctors, especially as some of the things they have to go for are things for me, an adult, things that little children wouldn't have to have done and sometimes with the GP not appreciating how scary it is for them to have needles pushed into them or things that cause them pain to be done. We have had only one doctor that understood, she gave Jemima a sticker at the end of the appointment for being brave, and unfortunately she was only a temporary doctor at our surgery so we haven't been able to see her since.
Obviously, we can't claim child benefits, etc for the little ones. I think if you could there would be loads of people suddenly having DID and needing child benefits. But it does make it difficult when they want things, like toys or treats or days out or whatever. With your own children when you get the child benefits you can put some away to take them for days out or for their birthday or Christmas. However, you can't do that with the DID children because you don't get money for them since it's not understood totally or just because people don't want to. These children get left out on birthdays and Christmas.
There are days when I feel like I would like to try and educate people about DID, maybe visit some doctors surgeries, hospitals and maybe schools and community centres to show people that just because people have a personality disorder it doesn't make them any more scary than anybody else. It just means that unfortunately somewhere in their past there has been a need for this protective barrier to be made to get them through the things that have happened and that they shouldn't be punished for it.
Comments
There are no comments for this story
Be the first to respond and start the conversation.