Living with Mental Illness

When I was younger, I never thought I’d be the one standing in front of others, talking about what I’ve gone through. I never imagined myself uttering the words "I’m diagnosed with depression and anxiety" to a classroom full of my peers, but here I am, saying exactly that.

I’m clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I’m not going to hide it anymore. Why, you may ask? Well, I’d like to think that my story may help someone the way others have helped and inspired me.

My story has no real beginning, but I’ll start with my freshman year of high school. Things seemed fine, for the most part, but that’s when a trend started to form. Every fall and spring, I’d find myself completely overwhelmed. Emotions stacked on each other and everything weighed on my chest, making it harder to breathe. I would try to survive the long nights and I relied on others to keep my head above the water, though they didn’t realize it. My body felt heavier and heavier each day, and my mind became unbelievably muddled. I would repress as much as I could, hoping for everything to just go away, but it wouldn’t. I had to face the consequences.

For two nights a year, I broke down. I let out all of my emotions, my tears, and my weakness. I would cry until I had a migraine-intensity headache and then I’d cry some more. I’d beat on myself. There would be crescent indents on my arms where I tried to get a grip on myself. There would be scratches everywhere, and that may have been the worst part. Everything itched, and I had to get rid of it. My skin just wouldn’t feel right. It felt like thousands of tiny bugs crawling over me. It tingled and it itched and I had to get rid of it, but I couldn’t. For two nights a year, I was helpless.

It wasn’t until the summer before my senior year of high school that things started to change. My mind went into overdrive. I overthought everything and I started to cry randomly throughout the day. It seemed like everyone was against me and I felt pushed away and isolated. I found hidden meaning in other’s words and actions. This was the year I was trying to become more of a leader, but everyone that I went to for help seemed to throw me back to the start of my journey. Everything was overwhelming—I couldn’t stand it, but I had to. Small mistakes brought me to tears. Slightly raised voices would destroy me.

My chest grew heavier each day—I wanted to scream, I wanted to shut down. Instead, I broke down and confessed my problems to one of my friends. She understood me, and she helped me. She helped me to laugh again, and to feel a bit normal. She pushed me to say something to my parents, and eventually, I did, but it took a long time and a few missed opportunities.

I was at work when my mom came and visited me for lunch. She knew something was wrong because of a comment she made in the car a few days prior, which led to me crying the rest of the night. I was terrified. My mom was always the one pushing me, making sure I was the best I could be. On one hand, I thought she’d hate me and tell me that I’m just making it up. On the other hand, I knew better. I knew that she would help me, and that she understood. I hoped for the best, prepared for the worst, and I finally just spit out what I needed to.

I was questioned, of course. Why did I think that? How have I been feeling? What do I think caused it? It was a floodgate, and I was quickly overwhelmed. I was crying in the middle of work—I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t hide, but, fortunately, things were starting to seem alright.

I went to the doctor’s office soon after, but I was panicking the whole time—I didn’t know what they’d ask me or what exactly they’d do. I tried to build myself up for this encounter, but as soon as the door opened and I was asked why I was there, I crumpled. I was frozen in place. I couldn’t speak properly, and again, I cried. Everything seemed to be pushing in on me and I couldn’t handle it at first, but I slowly started to calm down until it seemed like just my hands were shaking.

One of the first questions asked was about how I was feeling, but I couldn’t describe it. Maybe it was because I slowly stopped feeling. A little bit later, I was asked if anyone else in my family had depression, and it wasn’t until that moment that it clicked in my mind that what I was going through was, in fact, genetics. It put a new perspective in my mind that showed that it wasn’t my fault that I felt this way, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, really. After a few more questions, the appointment was finally over, and a bit of weight seemed to have been taken off my shoulders.

I was to try a medication for a month to see if it helped me at all before my next appointment. The days passed by, and I started noticing little changes. I seemed to look at situations a bit differently. Everyone seemed a bit less critical. The future was looking brighter, but I felt numb at times. I was still adjusting, though, so I continued on with my life. There were a couple days where I almost forgot to take my medication, and in turn, I suffered from a migraine-intensity headache, but it wasn’t the worst thing to have happened to me.

It was the day of a big parade when I got my first ever panic attack. People were running around, trying to get ready, but I was stuck sitting in the hallway, hyperventilating. I felt like I was going to throw up, but at the same time, I knew I couldn’t. I had a headache that was becoming unbearable. Everything seemed to be going wrong, and the only thing people would say to me was to calm down. It was like breaking a leg, only to be told to walk it off! The parade grew closer, but finally someone was able to help me. I was terrified it was never going to end.

Since then, I have gained a network of support. I’m not as afraid to speak up when something’s wrong with me. I used to think that showing others my problems was one of the weakest things I could do, but it’s actually one of the strongest.

There’s such a huge stigma around having a mental illness, but you can find that more celebrities and influential people are being more open about mental illness, trying to destigmatize it. YouTuber Daniel Howell recently released a video on his life with depression. It took him a while to be able to make a video about this aspect of his life, but he has received a wonderful reaction from those who watched the video. He even became aYoungMinds ambassador, spreading his message even farther. If you don’t know what YoungMinds is, it’s an organization that was created to help children and adolescents improve their mental health, to give them a voice. Many others have spoken up about mental illness throughout the years, including, but not limiting to: Kevin Breel, Adele, Beyonce, Miley Cyrus, Jared Padalecki, Carrie Fisher, and Princess Diana.

People are more educated about mental illness than what they used to be, but the journey isn’t over yet. There are still things that need to be learned, things that need to be understood by people. Sometimes, they learn on their own. Sometimes, seeing a celebrity talk about mental illness makes people more curious about it. Then, there are times where people aren’t interested until they personally know someone going through it. In the end, it’s better to know more in this situation rather than less.