Living With Misophonia

Misophonia is not getting riled up and upset when you can hear the sound of people breathing or eating. This disorder is supposed to make you feel stronger and feel better about yourself because there's a scientific reason behind all the pain that is going on in my own body that I live with every day. That is not the case.

Everyone will say you will feel better as time goes on, but that is not true. If anything, everything gets worse. I will never wish this on anyone. It gets to the point where I do not know why my heart is racing so fast or why it feels like it is breaking inside of me. We do not know how to stop it.

Misophonia is the ability to make me want to break all my bones in my body just to hush the sounds of people speaking and making sounds that I do not need to hear.

It is about distinguishing sounds so alarming that I cannot sleep at night because they are all I hear and they will take over me.

It is me being afraid to go hang out with people because it comes with the consequences of hearing something that will trigger me.

It is me having to make sure I have headphones everywhere I go so I can drown out the sounds of society just in case they decide to eat a certain way or say a certain word that I do not like.

It is being aware that it will get worse over time because my brain is ticking away so fast, faster than a clock.

It is the fear of not knowing how much longer you can stand living on this Earth without breaking apart.

It is the fear that I can wake up and hate the sound of my best friend eating her favorite food, my parent’s voice, or the way my dog barks.

It is already hating the sound of my dog breathing, hating the way people bite their nails, hating the sound of my mom opening a container because I know that she is about to eat a piece of watermelon.

It is knowing that causing harm to yourself is the most common result of misophonia and you can’t help it.

It is my heart beating out of my chest and feeling like a fire is inside of me every time I hear the sound of someone biting into a chip, slurping their drink, talking a certain way.

It is not even being able to type or read the word slurp without getting anxiety and feeling your ears start to tingle.

Wishing that I was deaf that way I could skip all those times where I felt like I was trapped. Feeling like I could not escape and I was slowly wilting away.

Sitting in class, my leg shaking, my heart beating, my brain not focusing, all because someone's fingers are in their mouth, the gum chewing is so loud, the pen clicking is annoying, or even the sound of a computer mouse is affecting my ability to learn,

IT IS NOT just “I hate when people chew, ew it is so gross,” IT IS so much more than that.

I lose so much sleep every night because my head replays the sounds I do not like, the sounds I hear throughout the day or even the sounds I remember from the past.

Waking up in the middle of the night because my roommate snores so bad or does clicking sounds in her sleep. Waking up because the sound of my mini-fridge makes the hair stand up on my arms and my ears want to fall off.

Misophonia has the ability to make you feel so isolated, make you feel like everyone else is out to get you. Make you feel like you cannot be around anyone since you fear another anxiety attack coming along. Makes you not want to sit in a car with your friend because the way she bites her nails makes you want to jump out the car.

It makes every part of my body shake, makes me want to jump out of my own skin because I cannot handle my friends and family smack their gum, eat spaghetti, eat fruit, say certain words in another language.

It is hearing my mother say the word fruit and flipping out because it makes flames spew out of my ears

It is hearing my father clear his throat and spit out whatever the hell is in there and yelling at him to stop and feeling like a horrible person for telling my own father to stop doing something that he cannot control.

Misophonia is funny, so hilarious. The ones who have it, do not have a cure. BECAUSE THERE IS NO CURE.

It is so funny that all someone has to do is speak words that will make me feel so little, eat foods that will make me cry myself to sleep.

Having your parents tell you to stop yelling, tell you to stop throwing things, tell you to stop having a panic attack and crying because you are acting like a baby.

Having your parents tell you that when you go to family parties that you cannot tell someone to stop eating like that because it is rude. It is rude that I have to control this disorder just so I do not embarrass my friends and family

I have misophonia under my belt, I know how to not show what is going on inside. I know how to not react, but sometimes, sometimes it is so hard.

It is so hard to tell others what misophonia is because they will not fully grasp the concept, they will not know what you are feeling, they will not know that they can be the ones who will trigger you to no end.

Not being able to eat dinner with your family, having your dad buy you earplugs, not being able to live the way you want to live, That is misophonia.

There is so much more to it, there is so much more that I cannot fathom, there is so much more that makes my blood boil, that makes me feel my pulse jump out of me.

IT IS the anger and the sadness that lingers in my fist, in my bitten limp, in my eyes as I watch someone do something so simple, but to me it makes me wish I were dead.

Knowing that one day I will not be able to handle it, I will not be able to go about my day. I know that day will swing by, but I hope that I will be strong enough to not let misophonia break me. It has taken me down, spun me around and broke me into a million piece, BUT I repaired every inch of myself and I am still fighting this constant battle every single day.

One day my head will explode, a bomb will go off inside of me, and I know I can not get help. But I will help myself, I will help myself get through the pain and suffering because I am strong and these sounds control my life, but I WILL GET THROUGH IT.