Living with OCD

For majority of my life, I was told you're just acting crazy and to just stop doing certain things. I tried very hard to stop but deep down I knew I wasn't crazy. But instead there was just something different about me and the way my brain worked. So as you can imagine the day I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, was a relief for me regardless. Just that realization that you were right all along, you just didn't know what you had. Now it's years later I went through a ton of different habits or rituals which ever you prefer to call them. Some of them might sound a bit strange like it hasn't escaped me, it's just hard to not do them. Some even make daily things or things I have to do extremely hard for me. Like most people in their lives have cleaned a oven with no issue doing so. Well for me it's hard I want to clean it so bad, but my brain then starts to tell me it's gonna turn on and burn me. Now the rational part of my brain knows that is wrong but the other part over powers that. So cleaning that oven becomes a huge struggle and I hate it if were being honest.

Even taking a walk can be a bit much, sometimes I do not like stepping on the crack in the sidewalk. Once I get used to where they are on my walks I do not even need to look, I just know where to step. Bed time if I even think did I lock the door, I have to go look or I'm afraid someone will get in. This happens even if I just locked it a few minutes before. I just can't stop myself. Honestly though none of this compares to the struggle I have talking to people. Now you'd probably think its a problem of being shy or something. However sadly that is not the case, it's actually too loud in my head to concentrate on what someone is saying sometimes. See in my head I'm counting the numbers of letters in the words they have just said or the number of words themselves. Then if they are not an even number I make them in any way I can. I repeat this a few times each time to make sure Im right. I do this while watching TV sometimes as well. So you can imagine how hard it is for me to talk with people; it takes a lot of focus on my part.

Usually if I say huh or what did you say that means I wasn't listening to what you just said. I mean do not get me wrong, I try very hard to not do that to people as its rude, it's just sometimes beyond me. On the lesser side of things there are some other things I can't do that are not as hard on my day. I can't have anyone holding anything sharp or hot near me, I'm afraid something will happen. I can not watch a scary show with my feet on the floor because I'm afraid they will get me. I also can not sleep with my feet uncovered because again I am afraid something will get me. Like I know a shark is not gonna come out from under my couch or my bed but I'm still afraid it will. I have so many little and big things in my life that I get around in my day. Obviously there are lots of others with OCD that have it worse and I can only imagine how that feels. But this is the basic way to explain some of me so many of you can understand better. Or if anyone reading this is feeling alone with their mental illness just know you are not alone.