Living with Someone Suicidal

As I write this, I am in my locked bathroom with the water running so that no one can hear the keys as I type or the sobs as I cry.

This post is about how it feels and what it's like to live with someone who is suicidal.

Every day is filled with dread, anxiety, and most importantly, FEAR. Any time my phone chimes, the first thought that goes through my head, Omg, is this it? Did he send another suicide message? Whenever he goes out, I fear that that is the last time I will see him or I will have complete and utter panic attacks because I feel like I could have done more to try to prevent this.

Having to go around to hide anything and everything that he could use or ingest to harm to himself—this is stressful. It seems like no amount of professional help will do anything. He silently cries when he thinks no one is awake or looking, and that alone make me think that there is still hope for him in this situation.

When he showed that he prepared his goodbye letters to four people, that is when reality set in for me. That is when I realized, Oh he's serious about this, but I have been trying to get him to fight and that alone has been another struggle. Everyone wants to joke about suicide (family and friends), but its only a joke (as they say) until they do it to the wrong person. In this case, it was the wrong person. There was no sign that he was suicidal until November 2017. That's when the script flipped and it hit home.

The moment that we had to have him Baker Acted just three days after Thanksgiving was a wow moment. He posted an image to a social media site and everything just blew up from there. The worst part was being home alone and having two cops, two paramedics, and a gurney at the door. I was so scared and anxiety-ridden that I lost color. Having to tell the cops what was going on, where he was, who he was with and all of that made me realize this is a problem that he needs help with. IMMEDIATELY!

The facility that they took him to didn't even keep him for the 72 hours. He was released less than 24 hours later and we felt the hate that he had towards us just radiate off of him. I think that they could have done more to help him. Instead, they evaluated him and when they asked him certain questions about what he had done to his body, they believed that it was a one time thing, that he isn't a threat to himself, his community, or the people around him. Well, NEWS FLASH, HE IS A THREAT TO HIMSELF, but he just keeps being released. If I can see that he isn't okay and that this isn't right, so should the person that is evaluating him.

The amount of stress, fear, panic, and anxiety that comes with the territory of living with someone who is suicidal is unbearable. You are basically walking on egg shells so that you aren't triggering them in any way or going to push them off the edge. I have cried more now than I ever have knowing that someone is suicidal in my family and any day could be the last day.

Every day I remind him that I love him and that he can come talk to me at any point and I will listen. If you have someone—a friend, family, or complete stranger that is thinking about suicide or hurting themselves, let them know that you are there and that they can seek help. This isn't a battle that can be fought alone, and with more people by your side, the more support and help you can get.