Losing a Loved One

A lot of misery stems around death. The demise of a pet, a friend, a family member. It is a pivotal moment in anyone's life, and it can change someone exponentially afterward.

I first experienced death when I was seven. It was my pet rabbit, Harry. He was a jet black, short-furred, evil little thing, but I adored him anyway. When he died, I was distraught, inconsolable–only for a short time, but still, I had experienced a death. For my eighth birthday, I got a guinea pig and from that moment, I learned that the love for a pet can essentially bounce onto the next one; you can give it the same love as you did the previous and not feel guilt.

The second and third deaths I experienced were old friends. An old school friend, and an old work colleague. This was more than 10 years after Harry. I was distraught, but not as intensely as I was when I was younger. I think maturity played a big part in that. The death of a friend differs from a pet, you can never replace the love you felt for that particular person. Never. You can just know that you did love them, and you’ll probably never forget them.

The fourth and fifth deaths hit a lot closer to home. The mother of one of my best friends, who was basically my second mum for a good 10 years, passed suddenly. Then, someone who was like a godfather to me during my early years. Both of these events happened in quick succession. This was a whole new kind of misery for me. These adult figures in my life, whom I had always looked up too, were gone. I hadn’t been in touch with them for most of my short adult life, so maybe I didn’t feel the level of misery that perhaps I should have. It struck a chord with me still, this type of grief was different altogether from the death of a pet, and the death of a friend–it was like the death of a family member, I assumed, as at this point I had not yet experienced a death within my family.

The sixth death, it broke my heart. Probably not for all the right reasons it should've, but it hit me the hardest so far. It was my aunt. My mother’s younger sister. Again, I hadn’t really been in touch with her for over a decade–distance played a big part in that. This death was expected, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. This news in itself was devastating– being told that someone you love is going to die opens up a whole new way of processing things emotionally. Watching the strongest members of my family, my mum, aunts, uncle, grandparents, literally crumble before your eyes is an experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone, that in itself can be just as devastating as death. Being shrouded in misery for the last 6 months of her life, though she wasn’t very coherent towards the end, must’ve been tough. The thing that hits me hardest about her death, though, was that she left behind three amazing kids. My cousins. The eldest, the same age as me, who had just had a baby herself. And two boys, 13 and 5. I felt immense sadness in knowing that their mother was gone, that they’d never see, hear, smell her again. That was another eye opener in terms of death, and the emotions it can trigger or awaken inside of you that you didn’t know you could feel so intensely.

The seventh death. The most recent death. Only 4 months ago. Swallowed me whole. It was my father. Now this death is the sort of passing that is the hardest to comprehend, and alongside that comes the most enormous sense of guilt one could possibly ever experience. His death destroyed me. It broke me down, completely. I wasn’t myself. I had never been faced with this sort of misery before. This was a deeply personal misery. This was a ‘loss’, the kind of ‘loss’ you only read about in stories, or see on TV. The love you have for a parent can never be replaced. The love for someone who raised you, tutored you, supported you, even if they weren’t the best at those things, will never go away.

This is just scratching the surface of what I want to talk about in regards to this particular tragedy. The death of a close family member, in my experience, changes and shapes your thought processes, your emotions, your general outlook on life and relationships. As twisted as it sounds, and only once you’re able to get over that engulfing misery, of which I don’t think I am yet, the death of a family member can ultimately make you a better person. You just have to let it.