These are my thoughts and how real bipolar depression can be. I just started writing and this is the outcome.
As I sit on the hard wooden bench that was thoughtfully jimmy rigged with stuffing and fabric. I found myself staring blankly out the clear glass bay window with streaks of left over glass cleaner I don't know what to think. I'm looking through it like it really isn't even there. What ever it is I'm watching outside fly by, drive by, walk, run what ever it may be I don't have a single thought about. I'm numb. In a zombie type mode but still able to act accordingly. SOMETIMES! My mind, thoughts, emotions, all that is me gets the best of me. It's easier just to say fuck it sometimes and let be what's going to be.
My life has no meaning. I feel like the little worker ants that are trying so hard to please the queen but some punk kid with a magnifying glass wants to burn my ass. I feel that I know I burden people. I know I'm in the way. People say get over yourself! What is there to get over? I'm definitely not full of myself. I see myself as the dog shit on the bottom of my shoes. I see no value. There is nothing to get over. PERIOD!
Why did I get married? Good question. I don't know. I know I loved him. I know some where deep down I still adore him. I hate to think of not being with him, but I have before and if I had to do it again I could. Though it almost killed me the first time. It really does break my heart and I know he thinks I don't care, but in the long run I feel I'm protecting myself and him. I'm ready to jump ship if need be. I know it's the pussy way out but sometimes when I'm hearing what I already know and he's venting on how I make him feel it's like a tornado swirling around in my head destroying everything in its path. Things I thought I was doing better at and accomplishing were torn apart because I guess I wasn't doing good as I thought. If I'm not around I can't make them miserable and if I'm by myself I can't feel bad for hurting them. I want to go away. I want this love that is magical. I have too high of expectations for this relationship. I know this. I hate myself so how could he love me. I bring nothing good to him or my daughter. There is no communication between us. I feel I really don't know him anymore. Sure, I know his name, DOB, employment. All the public records shit. I feel no intimate connection and I'm sure he feels the same. How could he not? We don't communicate. He doesn't really know how I feel or really what I need or even who I am. He sees the depressed me and the manic me. Rarely is there a legit happy me. A sane me. I don't know me. I just know there are feelings of EVERYTHING! sometimes I don't know how to talk to him. I feel embarrassed of what I'm thinking or feeling or what I want to get through to him so badly and I can't.
I can't remember when the last time I was actually happy. Excited about anything. I'm just existing. I love my daughter to absolute pieces, but I feel undoubtedly guilty for when she was born. I felt nothing. I didn't cry of joy. I saw her and felt stupid for talking to her and touching her hand. I don't know why I felt this way. I know we didn't bond. I felt and still do feel she deserves so much better. I wish I could go back and be the mother she deserved to have from day one. I look at her to this day and want to cry and most of the time do because I don't know my daughter.
I'm sitting here by myself writing this in my car crying as my heart feels it's shattering in tiny pieces that will take days to repair. I can guarantee it's not a pity party. I hate when people do that. I try to stay out of people's way and they get upset with me about it and that confuses me. I'm trying to make their life easier by not being a burden.
I try to do my responsibilities at home. It is the biggest struggle just to talk sometimes let alone fold some laundry. My mind aches when I try to get out of bed in the morning. It hurts to think. I love when the day is over and I can get away from breathing, living things, but even the night isn't peaceful to me. I have horrible dreams that I can feel tear my heart apart. I'll wake up in night sweats and tears streaming down my face. That is if when and if I can fall asleep. I'll lay crying because I can't take care of my home responsibilities and I know I'll have disappointed my family again.
This life I live is like an uninvited guest but don't want it to go because it's the only thing I know that will stick with me. I can count on it like clock work. I know this evil will be with me forever. I'm scared to let it go. I guess that's the right feeling. I don't know me. I just want to smile and really feel it. Feel the expression I'm fake expressing.
Right now I feel I'm in a manic state of mind. I almost feel like a tweaker who has gotten his first fix in days. Things are running through my head. Things people have said to me from days ago are repeating over and over again like a stuck record. Of course it's the negative hurtful things. It makes me feel...I don't know. When I try to talk I stumble over my words. Like they can't get out fast enough. I know I don't belong here. I don't know!!
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