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Lost in Your Own Head

Mental Health Story

By Mackie ColesPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Imagine yourself lying in your bed, staring at a small blemish on the colorless ceiling you have come to know quite well. The same blemish that you glare at after a long day, when you have nothing else to do but think. You lay there motionless, lifeless, frozen, numb. No stress, no anxiety, no one else but you and your wandering mind.

You listen to your own breathing, slow and calm. Your chest rising and falling like the luscious waves of the never-ending sea. The sound of your breathing is soft, almost imitating the beat of a lullaby that your grandmother sang to you when you were younger. It hypnotizes you, dragging you into a trance, a trance that seems unbreakable. Your breathing seems as though it is the only thing you can control anymore yet sometimes those waves become stronger, crashing over you as you lose control.

You hear the high-pitched chirping of the birds outside, it takes you back to when you were a small child, young and innocent, sitting on the front porch of your grandparents house watching the blue jays landing on the railing than taking off into the open sky, the hummingbirds silently hovering over the nectar-filled flower before skipping to the next. You hear the faint revving of a car motor speeding off down the road, rushing into the city, rushing into the busy, rambunctious, deafening noise of ignorant people that are oblivious to the world around them. You hear the rustling of the leaves on the mid-autumn trees and you think about the time you helped your dad rake up all of the leaves only to jump in them, making a bigger mess. You miss his laugh, you miss his smile. A tear begins to fall as you reminisce.

You smell the warm scent of your mother's famous apple pie baking in the oven. The same pie that brings the family together in a happy time where you have to paint that pseudo-smile across your dull face in hopes that no one can see through you into the dark thoughts that saturate your mind.

Your mouth starts to water at the thought of that apple pie, yet you have no motivation to get up out of bed to get some. In fact, you can't. You try to move, but you can't. You're numb, unable to pick yourself up. Panic starts to set in.

Your vision becomes blurry and that blemish vanishes. Your breathing quickens, and just like that you've lost control of it. The waves starting to crash drowning you in your own bed. The chirps of the harmless birds become deafening, the car sounds like it is in your room, squealing its tires, and the leaves sound like they are in the middle of a tornado. The smell of your mother's apple pie that was once comforting now sickens you. Your body quivers. Your chest throbs like you have been stabbed and left to diminish alone. Every mistake, every bad thought, every hurtful thing said comes back and possesses your mind. You're lifeless, unimportant, worthless. You think about that unnerving moment a few months ago with the barrel of a gun resting against your temple. Your wrists start to burn like the knife is ripping through each scar, reopening your wounds. You start to choke, grabbing at the non-existent rope tied around your neck. You scream but nothing leaves your mouth. You cry but no tears fall. You breath but there is no oxygen to take in.

You startle awake, open your eyes and breath. You calm yourself down realizing that it was only a dream. That you were lost in your own head...

panic attacks
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