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What does it feel like?

What is love? If you ask that question, you'll get responses like:

"Loving someone unconditionally."

"Being there for someone through thick and thin."

"Displays of how you're feeling such as flowers or candy."

But what truly is love? Can you receive it without any physical aspects? I think the best way to display it is with looks. When someone looks at you with a sparkling glow in their eyes, that is infinitely better than chocolates or gifts. Chocolates or gifts are what you give someone as a way for them to process you as someone that they care about. So when we look at the gift or consume it, we think happy thoughts about you.

What if there was no physical evidence of your love? No flowers, no chocolates, nothing. Even writing about it only goes so far. Would they still feel the same way? Strip a person of everything that they have (physically) and people are bound to think differently about that individual, it's inevitable.

I believe that true love has to come from within first. It's often the hardest and most harsh love. We are always the worst critics of ourselves, we constantly seek validation from others in order to feel better about ourselves. We find passions to help us express ourselves and in order to attract love. When someone watches, reads, or consumes any of your passions, they absorb a piece of you into them. Over time, they consume multiple passions and traits, and their opinion of you changes either negatively or positively.

As we grow older as a human being, we discover new passions, outlets, and desires. This shapes us as a person and we discover something new about ourselves that we possibly might not have realized before. We are constantly evolving and shaping with each passing day. We can choose to enhance and work on ourselves, it is difficult and rough, but it is possible. Media is difficult because it allows us to vicariously live out our passions and lets us discover new goals and desires, however, if we are unable to obtain these goals or desires, it might be damaging.

Take one person and put the one thing that they truly want more than anything in front of them, and ask them what they would do in order to obtain it; that is capitalism. Doing so, might show the person what they are really willing to let go of, or do in order to obtain something. Personally, my one object that I have been so desperately craving for months now, is a pole. I know it sounds silly and one person might view it as just a pole. I view it as an outlet, a tool, and a way to express myself. How I view poles are different from how other people may view them.

My new passion that I have discovered is dancing. I've never really danced with a partner before, so a pole would mimic the feel and touch of a partner. I remember the first time I touched a pole. My face lit up and I felt a vibration echo within me that I had no idea I was capable of feeling: Pure happiness. If I was able to go back to my younger self and tell myself that pole dancing would be a passion of mine, I would have most likely laughed in my face.

I used to only dance and sing early in the morning, and late at night when I was getting ready for the day or getting ready for bed. Now I find myself moving with every waking breath. Music is always in my head.

I overdosed on my anti-depressants a while back and when I was in the Emergency Room, I found myself having to focus on music as a way of healing. Since then I have used it as a tool of expression; without it I would have killed myself.

Writing used to be my main passion; it was my new found focal point of the new year of 2018. I even wrote a song and a half. Writing kept me at bay for a while, but dancing completed me. The freedom of my hands and body felt like pure euphoria. I haven't gotten paid for writing or dancing. I'm not doing it for money, I'm doing it for expression. However, not being able to obtain money in order to expand my passions has taken a bit of a toll.

If it was a few months I probably wouldn't have given up as much hope, but it's been 10 full months and I have nothing to show for it. Once I put that in words, it gets even more depressing. So I've stopped bothering with writing and I'm focusing more on dancing. I'm also a gamer, so music with games helps me focus more and free my mind. This year has been full of ups and downs. My mental health took a toll as well and losing my friends, hope, and resources has made me forced to focus on dancing because at least I'll always have control over my body (hopefully).

Dancing I think is the first thing that I really have done for myself. When I write, I write for all the young gay guys that feel the same as I do about being suppressed or overshadowed. When I journal (like this) it's half and half. But when I dance, I am free to move however I want, and I let the music take control over me. It's the only time I feel free. Adding a pole to that, I can't imagine. I almost was able to dance on a pole at a club one time, but I missed the opportunity and some random chick started dancing on it. I remember watching her feeling envious.

The thing with art is we have our muses, our fuel, and over the years I have jumped from person to person draining as much emotion from them as I can, creating something new from it. I've found myself stuck on one source and I'm unsure of the situation so it's been difficult to create or write. Dancing is easier because it's a way of processing/expressing my emotions.

Lately, the main emotions that have been coming out have been are anger, mainly towards my father and mother. All this hatred bottled up in me—never knew that I could possess such hatred. I don't have their contact info anymore so I can't even do anything with my emotions. The other emotions like love are hard for me to process because I've never been able to do as much from this one source as I am now.

The last time I felt something remotely like this, it was split between two and I was only able to create half of a story, an unfinished expression. Once I moved on, it split between two again, but not as even. I'd say about 75/25, which is even worse because a fourth of my emotion comes from another source. I'm in this constant stalemate of emotion, every time I try and work on any of the projects, it just laughs in my face, mocking me. Then I hear the voices of various family members mocking me, or peers, and I just want to trash it all and light it on fire. I have one completed story and a bunch of unfinished ones.

Trashing them would be a mistake because it is the only tangible expression of love that I have. I even wrote poetry. Everything surrounding one source. The other fourth I think is an emotional safeguard. Just in case they don't feel the same way. I've already tried to mentally prepare for that and as much as I have tried, I don't think I could comprehend or handle that. I hate feeling weak and vulnerable. It feels like my heart is in every word and sentence; it's delicate and personal.

I wish I could go back just before I discovered the dancing, how good I could be at it. When I first started, I half-assed it. I never am able to watch my videos, but when I did, I felt like I didn't do as well as I could. Going back, I would give it my all. Trying to explain how important something to me is is difficult because I feel like it will just be taken away from me or I will not be able to obtain it so I don't even bother. Bottling everything up for so long, it always has a way of coming out I guess...