Love and Mental Illnesses

Mental illness seems almost taboo. Unrecognized, or underestimated, many people just cant seem to accept that you can have a disease in your brain. They tell us, "Its all in your head." Well yes, that is the problem. See, our brain is a very vital part of us living, being the center of all bodily functions. Many people can survive losing an arm, leg, finger etc. But tell me you can survive without your head. Now, I'm most definitely not saying that mental illness makes you lose your head. The point I'm stating is that, with a mental illness, your head doesn't work quiet the same as a healthy persons would. Some illnesses taunt you, making you feel worthless, some illnesses make you terrified, pushing fear deep into your bones. Personally I suffer from Anxiety and paranoia. This makes many normal tasks very difficult.

From being terrified about the most ridiculous scenarios, to not being able to keep any relationship healthy, I try to figure the best way to overcome this constant battle with my own mind. I suppose I should get to the root of my anxiety.

He's the love of my life.

Four years I've spent at his side, and personally I wouldn't change it, even knowing all the nights I'd be up, crying and shaking to the point of my throat closing. or that I wouldn't sleep for weeks. Or I'd sleep too much. That I wouldn't be able to eat, yet I'd be so sick, that I'd be left trembling over a toilet seat a I vomit nothing but pure stomach bile, burning my throat and sending tears down my face.

You don't truly feel crazy until a single text message can send your mind into a downward spiral.

So, let's talk about my love. I'd do anything for him and he knows it. I'll always want to be at his side, even if his parents don't approve of the tattoos covering my arms. I'll still be here if he leaves again. Or if he has a secret relationship for eight whole months again.

And I'll still be here, even if he spends our anniversary with another girl again.

But I have to say, even if I have forgiven him and stayed, I haven't forgotten. How could I? the very core of my illness makes me overthink every detail. I'll always think of the way he talked to her. Of the way he described wanting to hold her. And I'll go many sleepless night, crying over how he hurt me, and how I could be better so he doesn't want her again. It had to have been my fault he went to her. I was giving him all of my love, but I don't think it was enough. That's why he needed his ex girlfriend, she must have loved him better.

One thing I will always dread in this relationship, is the guilt I feel. Why is it fair that you cheat on me, but then constantly accuse me of seeking revenge? I've given you nothing but loyalty, and that won't change. But yet, you still tell me you think I'll hurt you, and continue to distance yourself. I don't deserve this. I know I don't. But truth be told... I need you. I cant live without you. You're the air I breathe and I'll suffer through every infidelity for just one more breath.

I love him with all of my heart... maybe my heart is too small. He needs a girl with a big heart, and a working mind. I'm too much to handle. she wont cry over the way he says goodnight, or if he says "I love you" differently. Maybe he was right to leave me, after all, this was my fault.