Management Out of Destruction

A tiny bit of background, as a young woman, who has suffered many of a ‘series of unfortunate events,’ one of the most prominent handfuls of difficulties I have developed over the last five years is OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) arising from the roots of BDD (body dysmorphia). This comes in many, many forms for myself, through thoughts, actions and general rituals/routines I feel I have to perform.

Flashback:

Not too long ago, just over a year ago in November 2016, something happened that changed how I saw myself from that moment on - and I never saw it coming. I was cheated on. I was devastated, I was distraught and again, I was shipped back to live with my mother. It affected me in one major physical aspect: body dysmorphia. For two weeks, I ate nothing but two bowls of Rice Krispies & quiche with rice; literally, everyday. Over and over. As I could not stomach food too much like I used to, this led to significant weight loss. My now-ex (of course), was a gym bunny at the time and showed me the ropes and I took it on for myself when that relationship was over. Now, working out is great! But difficult when you’re pretty much starving yourself. However, when you’ve lost 2 st. (was 10 st. now 8 st.) in two weeks and you start being toned, you think “wow, look how great I look,” - that is how it started.

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As I saw this body transform into something I’d never thought it could be, I wanted to maintain it - my inner monologue told me if I could make my body desirable at least, maybe he’d come back to me. At that time, it was in spite.. I’m not going to lie there, at all… I was still heartbroken. The ‘perfect body,’ and he couldn’t have it? Brilliant. No, no it wasn’t. Little did I know it was going to end up being part of the many aspects of my mental health I could not control.

Fast forward half a year, I was religious about my calories.. Over my calorie limit? Nope, can’t have. Too much fat? Nope, can’t have it. God, look at all those carbs in that cereal. If I couldn’t scan it, I couldn’t eat it. I had to pre-pack all my food if I went somewhere and I was at the point where if I didn’t exercise that day at some point - I would have a panic attack, but those abs the next morning? Splendid. Let’s keep it up! But it was still never enough, I wasn’t happy with myself. Not. At. All.

A few months later, it'd really hit me. The obsession, the compulsion, the anxiety… I couldn’t stop. I was running, all the time. Walking, tracking it on my fitbit, all the time. If I didn’t walk 10k everyday, on top of my 30 minute run/30 minute workout (altered days) I couldn’t function, 9 PM was my exact exercise time and if I wasn’t ready to get into gear by half 8 - that’s when I started panicking. I had transferred to being a vegetarian, so it’d give me the illogical excuse to eat even more less ‘fatty food,’ like chorizo, pepperoni etc. I was living on carrots, lettuce, porridge and coffee at around 900 calories per day. I had no energy, my mind was hazy but I could not stop. 9 PM, 9 PM, 9 PM, every day. No rest. It got to the point where 15 minutes into a run I would feel my left leg lock-up, and the pain was unbearable but I couldn’t stop! I had to finish, I had to do the whole 30 minutes or I’d be a failure. Then on top of that, a run would only do around 5,000 steps out of my 10,000 steps… so here goes the three hour walk, till I can’t feel my feet and my hands are too cold to hold my phone as a torch.

Fast-forward:

Something snapped in me, I binged, for two weeks... So much food. That’s when I realised I had a problem and I really needed to consider it, instead of enabling myself. A first step was upping my calorie to 1500 - not great, but it’s a start! But eventually I stopped using it, because I met someone that made me not worry about it (that’s over now too!). I eat in moderation, there are still a lot of food-barriers I can’t get over and if I want to have a meal out I make sure I haven’t eaten too much beforehand.

I bought an official gym pass, and now enjoy working out and it is less of a chore but more of a hobby/interest (30 percent OCD, 70 percent general interest in health). I sold my Fitbit yesterday after not using it for some time!! I still go on walks, as I love walks and they help me to get out! But they are much shorter (30 minutes before tea, 30 minutes after after a nice coffee) in which I develop my new interest in Photography as in Yorkshire there are many scenic places, and my photography has given me a new positive aspect in life, finding beauty in a life that has been so ugly. I’m not going to sugar-coat it either, if I have had a disaster of a day and feel I’ve eaten too much, I will do a quick five-minute exercise to relieve myself.. But very rarely, unlike how frequently I would - but I’m so much more relieved than I was before which I believe is the important thing, step by step, at your pace you can move forward and it takes time! However, in this new aspiration, I hope to possibly pursue a career which I’ve never had any interest in before.

Last but not least, it has given me and a few of my close friends a new concept to consider: Those who look healthy, aren’t always & those who look by stereotype, unhealthy are a lot healthier than you think!