Mania and the Pit

I'm a mother, a girlfriend, a daughter, sister, photographer, blogger, coffee addict and I have bipolar depression. What does that mean? To be honest not much, I mean I'm like everyone else out there. Some days are good, some days are bad.

Then there's the mania.

Mania makes me different from others. Mania makes me feel on top of the world. Makes me think I can do anything. Makes me talk fast, think fast, move through things. Mania is my biggest downfall because after the mania comes the funk, the depression, pit.

See, when I'm manic, I feel like I can do anything and everything. I feel like I can get all the things done. But it's a trick. Being manic doesn't actually help me do anything. It gets makes me go fast and think I'm getting things done. Sometimes it can give me ideas but they fly away before I can do anything about them.

I've heard some people say that being manic is when they make their greatest art. Being manic is when I do my best shopping because I don't talk myself out of anything, I talk myself into it all. It's worth the money because we need it. We have to do it. We have to get it. It must be done! Don't you see?!

Of course, no one can see it but me. Which is fine, because it's already done.

The pit though, that funk after the mania. Depression.

I'll beat myself up for getting myself something that I needed. Why? Cause I don't have that money now and I feel like crap. Why? I cry to myself. Why do I always mess things up? I sit in my bed and I don't do anything, I watch the same cartoons over and over. I fight to get the energy to do things that need to be done. I snap at loved ones. I crave chocolate for the energy spike.

You see the mania, it took everything from me. And all that is left is my will to keep living. To keep going. To help the kids, to make sure they have what they need. To have that bit of energy for them.

It can take a while to stabilize after a cycle. And lord help you if I'm rapid cycling. There's no time to pick up the pieces. To see what can be saved from the mania, to recover from the pit.

But other than that I'm a normal person, like everyone else. Just trying to live my life.