Manifestation

Anxiety.

It manifests in many different ways and in many different people. For some people, anxiety is something that is quick, and is only a worry over a date or their final exam. For others, anxiety is brought on by specifics, like meeting new people or public speaking. For people like me, anxiety is general and never ends.

Every morning I wake up, exhausted with a heavy mind. My brain hurts from the night before where I stayed up until three in the morning, wondering if what I had said to so-and-so was stupid or not. I also imagined what would happen if someone broke into the house with a gun. And tried to figure out a plan to get rid of the ghost underneath my bed that is moments away from grabbing my ankles. And wondered if I should keep the light on, because maybe it'll burn the house down, but maybe if I turn them off, someone will come out of my closet and watch me while I sleep.

I know it sounds awful, and like I'm a bit off the rails. But, this is what anxiety does to me.

I get out of bed, jumping as far away from the edge as possible, just in case the ghost works during the day as well, and get ready for school. I keep my eye on the time, watching as the minutes go by, trying not to make myself late. I plan out every single little thing for my morning, like what I'm going to eat and what I'm going to wear and who I'm going to sit next to and if I have enough time to do my makeup. By the time I actually get ready, I'm running late and scared that my professor will scream at me or my friend will drive her car into a ditch.

I genuinely think things like this will happen to me, because this is what anxiety does to me.

When I get to my class, I think everyone is staring at me. Someone whispers and I think, "They hate me, they hate my outfit, they want me dead, I'm probably better off dead. Everyone hates me. Everyone is talking about me." I think for the rest of the day, up until I'm in bed that night staring at the ceiling, that everyone hates me. I will stay up into four in the morning that night, thinking over every single stupid thing I have ever done since the age of five and mark that as a reason why everyone hates me.

I'm not sure if people are actually talking about or staring at me, but this is just what my anxiety does to me.

On my way to work, I think I'm going to be late. I'm antsy to leave minutes early, and I hurry inside to clock in, only to see I have five minutes to spare. When I get on lane, I think every customer is going to hate me. That I'm going to crush their eggs or squish their bread or smash their jars. I'm relieved when someone leaves with a smile, and terrified I'm going to lose my job and never be hired anywhere else when someone leaves unsatisfied.

Nothing horrible has happened yet, but this is what I think, because that's what anxiety does to me.

When I finally get home, I eat dinner, worried about every single calorie that goes into my body. I calm myself with music and YouTube and Netflix, trying not to think of eating. I compare myself to everyone I see, online and on TV, and think, "I'll never be good enough, I'll never make my dreams come true, I'll never be as pretty or skinny or successful or talented as everyone else is." When I go to bed, I stay up for as long as my brain screams at me and runs thoughts through my head.

This is what anxiety does to me.

It's not a one time thing, I most likely will not wake up tomorrow and have no anxiety. In fact, I know I'll have anxiety tomorrow, and the next day, and days to come after that. It's important for everyone to understand that anxiety is not black and white, and not everyone with anxiety is going to act the same way. People with anxiety can be extroverts and can be successful and loving. People with anxiety could be your best friend or your sister. People with anxiety could be fine one moment and having an attack the next. Anxiety is different for everyone, and a good way to help people with it is to just listen and be there for them. As someone with anxiety, having reassurance is the most important thing.

Thank you for reading about what my anxiety does to me.