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Manifestation of Bipolar Depression

Depression through the eyes of Edyn.

By Edyn SchwartzPublished 7 years ago 4 min read
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Signs of depression according to WebMD:

• Sleeping too much

• Lack of appetite

• Isolation

• Loss of interest

• Feeling worthless/guilty

• Trouble concentrating or making decisions

• Thoughts of suicide

Signs of depression according to Edyn:

• I haven’t showered in three days

• All I want is to sleep, but bad thoughts keep me awake

• What is food?

• I’ve been laying in my room for 6 hours, and have no intention of moving

• I’ll tell you I want to be alone, but that’s the last thing I want

• I’m going nowhere in life

• Why would I get into graduate school with no experience?

• Let’s just work at Buffalo Wild Wings forever.

I’ve written about my bipolar tendencies, and the swings from manic to depressive. That’s great and all, applicable too, but depression is a demon of its own.

It’s January. There has been snow on the ground for weeks now. The days are sunny, a true Colorado pattern, however the average high temperature isn’t above twenty-five degrees. Today it is snowing; fat snowflakes accumulating on the frozen ground. Two inches of dense powder. Four hours later, six inches. I’m trapped in my house. I look out of the window and want to appreciate the winter wonderland happening literally in my backyard, but instead I sigh and crawl back into the warmth of my bed. I play on my phone, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook and Tumblr hoping to find something that might lift my mood. Scroll, scroll. Close app. Check notifications: nothing. Frustrated, I roll over, telling myself that if I don’t check my phone for ten minutes maybe someone will text me. For eight and a half minutes I stare at the wall. Ninety more seconds. Don’t think about it. A watched pot never boils.

I give up. Sitting up, I grab my phone. I did this to myself. Looking through my text messages, I see my unanswered conversations, people I didn’t respond to. People who would be more than willing to talk to me if I would only extend the invitation. Too stubborn. Or maybe feeling too sorry for myself. If nobody texts me on their own, they clearly don’t care enough to think about me and if I’m okay. Maybe they don’t text me because they don’t suspect that I’m depressed because I haven’t felt like this in months. Why would they? I’ve been happy…or have I?

I enjoy things. I enjoy... Seeing Abbey sometimes is fun. We always have a good time. Right? Nanook always makes me smile. No matter how upset I am, putting her in the car and seeing her ears fold back, eyes closed with her head out the window makes me feel infinitely better. Maybe we could go for a drive? No, too cold. I could be with Sam, that’s supposed to make me happy. She loves me and that feels good. But does it? Does seeing Sam, watching Nanook, or hanging out with Abbey actually make me happy? I’m going through the motions. The smile is forced, laughing is fake. They probably see the lies. Maybe that’s why they haven’t texted me; they know how fake I am and they don’t feel like I love them anymore. It makes sense. I wouldn’t want to hang out with me, either.

I need to do something productive. I could pick up a shift at work. You really need the money. Too much effort. Too many people to talk to. No motivation. My stomach growls at me. I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning. Nothing sounds good. A lot of people have commented on how much weight I’ve lost recently. I don’t feel any smaller; I’m just not hungry. Make my lesson plans for the upcoming week? It doesn’t matter, I’ll float through the motions as per usual. I always tell them that if they pay attention to me, it’ll be over soon. That’s probably what they want.

Everyone says I’d make a great teacher. But why? I don’t do anything special. I care about one thing and I’m not even that smart. Hannah has her degree in psychology and can name of dozens of theories of behavior and who created them. I can’t even differentiate between operant conditioning and classical conditioning. Why did I get my degree in psychology? Why did I get my degree in anything? You’re destined for nothing. I’ve started three graduate school applications. But who am I kidding? I’m not going to get into those programs. I have ZERO experience in anything and barely acceptable grades. These schools are dumb to accept my sorry ass.

My stomach rumbles. My shoulders ache. The pressure behind my eyes is not from swollen tear ducts. I do not cry. I do not make the smallest sound. Breathing unevenly. Long inhale; quick exhale. Short inhale; hold it. Exhale. You’re not feeling anything. I stare at my ceiling fan, ruminating in this thought. Numb. That’s what depression is.

bipolar
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About the Creator

Edyn Schwartz

Feminist. Sarcastic. All of my writing comes from personal experience. Narratives and nonfiction

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