Me

I’m Hannah. I think I’m pretty boring but I don’t know what else to write about. Let’s start from the beginning. I was born two months early and weighed 3.5 pounds. Luckily, there was nothing really wrong with me. I was my parents’ first child. My only brother was born a year later. I don’t really remember anything from my first few years.

I went to school in a very small town and had two friends. I was really happy but I was a bit of a bratty child. My brother and I fought ALL OF THE TIME. I was always super shy when I was in public. I went to that school from preschool until fourth grade. In fourth grade, my world got turned upside down.

One night my dad had been drinking and he took some prescription pills. He was a mean drunk so my mom was trying to leave the house. My dad refused to let her leave. My brother and I were confused and scared. My mom told us to go pack our stuff. We did, tears streaming from our eyes. We came back and I yelled at my father and pushed him. He pushed me back. He didn’t knock me over or anything but I was terrified. We did end up leaving and we stayed at a friend’s house.

My parents later got divorced. We lived with friends for a month or two before renting a house. My brother and I still saw our father because our new town was only five minutes away.

My new school was much bigger than my last, with about 100 kids in each grade. I wasn’t used to it and I was scared. I think this is when my social anxiety started. I didn’t really have any friends and I was scared to talk to people. I was kinda chubby and people thought I was weird.

I met this girl in summer school, and we sort of became friends. When the school year started we never really talked. My mom bought a new house and so we moved again. One day about a month after we moved in, there was a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” my mom asked.

“The girl from summer school,” I answered. Angel and I ended up hanging out a lot. We bonded greatly over a mutual like of One Direction. I no longer like them, but I do have to thank them for helping me get my best friend.

Around seventh grade, I got depressed. I didn’t really understand it. I started cutting — not a lot, just every few months. I didn’t tell anyone except Angel. Even to her, I just said I tried it once.

In eighth grade, Angel’s parents got separated and she moved with her mom. I missed her so much. I was pretty much all alone. My depression got worse. I started cutting more. At first, it was just a few times a week, then it became every day. I skipped meals sometimes. I wasn’t anorexic by any means, but I never ate lunch at school. I would sleep all day and sometimes refuse to go to school. Eventually, I told my mom about the self-harm. She brought me to a counselor that my brother had been seeing. I saw her for a few months.

I got a psychiatrist who prescribed me with meds. He diagnosed me with depression, general anxiety, and social anxiety. I had another appointment it a month. A few days before my appointment, at the end of my eighth grade year, I tried to kill myself. I immediately freaked out and tried to call my mom, who was at a meeting. My dad was home but I didn’t want to tell him. My mom came home a little bit later and I went to the hospital. I only stayed one night because they couldn’t get a hold of the other hospital that had a mental ward. We went to the psychiatrist the next day and he hadn’t even been informed about my attempted suicide.

My parents locked up all the sharp objects and pills. I got a community support worker who comes every week to see me and my meds were increased. I started to get better and stopped cutting for awhile. As the months progressed, I started to improve a lot. Angel found out how depressed I had been and she was a great support, despite having her own problems, which is the main reason I didn’t tell her.

When I started high school, my anxiety got worse. There were more people and tests which stressed me out. I would nervously scratch myself until I bled. I got a lot of little squeezy toys to fidget with. My new counselor tried to help me be less anxious. It didn’t work very well and school was torture. Angel still lived in a different town so I had no friends.

About halfway through the year, I convinced my mom to let me do online schooling. The program I first tried wasn’t very good. So this year I’m a sophomore and I’ve been using another program, which I love. I’ve been recently diagnosed as bipolar (my mom is bipolar, too). I’ve been doing pretty good and I’m glad that I didn’t commit suicide. My dogs, family, and Angel have been a great support system.

My Dog, Mikey