Mental Health: 4 Sept 2017
My Weekly Mental Health Updates
I have decided to document my mental health journey in an online format so hopefully at least one person can benefit from this. If this helps one person know that they are not alone then I will have achieved something and regardless I will (hopefully) have a fully realized journal of my mental health struggles.
Today is a good day. The fact that I can write this is an indication of that. Some days are not so productive, some days I feel like I can barely get out of bed. But somehow I do.
I feel like I've just come out of a not-so-great period where I felt constantly flat. I didn't really feel sad. Not happy or sad, just flat. A feeling of not fully being present, like the world is happening around you but not with you. This could be grounded in my own insecurities of not feeling good enough or like everyone else's lives are moving forward and mine is stagnant. I don't feel like that today though, and today is no different to yesterday or last week. And yet I don't feel like I'm dragging a weight at my feet. The world doesn't feel cloudy.
On bad days, or not-so-great days, I feel trapped in my own body. I'm often stunned by how alone we are, we have one life in one body and one mind. We don't get to be anyone else but ourselves, and on bad days I find that feeling so terrifying and lonely. To quote Doctor Who: "Are people bigger on the inside?" Yes, we really are. We are complicated creatures. A mess of heartaches, memories, pain and joy. The TARDIS hasn't got anything on a human being. There's just so much. And I find it overwhelming. I don't understand how people live, how people do anything, it's so hard sometimes. When I feel low I forget about the days where I'm fine, the days where I can have a productive day at work, come home, workout, and write a blog post. Those days are just as much a part of me as the bad days. Mental illness is so suffocating and isolating. It darkens every corner of your life until you can no longer see the light...and then it passes. Anyone struggling with mental illness must remember that they haven't always felt like this so they won't always feel like this. It will pass. Time is constant and never stops and whilst that can be scary it's also a great comfort. Tomorrow will be a better day, and the next, and the next...just...wait for it.
It's so easy to forget how small we are. Mental illness shuts you off from the rest of the world. It encases you in your own mind. But there is so much world out, so much universe. We are a tiny, insignificant species on one planet, in one solar system, in a galaxy of stars. It's a humbling feeling, I love it. It helps to calm me. It also reminds me we are all part of something bigger, we are not defined by our bad days or our not-so-great days. We are so much bigger than mental health lets us be.
About the Creator
Jemma Gallagher
Find me on twitter: LittleMissJemma
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