Mental Health and Self Employment

There's nothing I could think of, that could be worse than being employed.

I couldn't get up at a certain time in the morning, waiting for the bus to start my shift.

I couldn't live for 8 hours a day with the mild but over whelming fear that I need to impress my boss, get things right, not disappoint or get things wrong, cause it could be way too much for me that day.

I couldn't talk to people all day, I can't meet the expectations of 'good communication skills' in the job description.

I am who I am and I can't live up to anyone expectations apart from my own and I couldn't possibly have it any other way.

I suffer from a disability (people would argue) called Asperger Syndrome and recently diagnosed with Cyclothymia the mild form of Bipolar after almost 2 years of keeping track of my moods everyday when I could, it was confirmed, but I refused medication, because I decided to have a structured life to help balance my moods.

I noticed I was always in bed and I couldn't get up with out gravity, what it felt like, was way heavier out of my bed then it was in it. It was then I knew that something was wrong and slowly the signs were becoming clearer.

One moment I would full of energy and confidence, like anything was possible, then I would be crying at the most stupid thing and I wouldn't feel good enough to face the day, I would look at my self and think I was ugly, like I couldn't do anything because I would feel worthless.

I decided to move back to my home town because of this, I just couldn't sort a thing in my life out.

But fortunately, that was the best decision I made, it was an act of self love because I didn't have to struggle as much as I had been before. It felt like I had a chance to put things right in my life, but it was finding out what I had to do was the hardest part, that was a struggle in itself.

'Okay, I could teach singing lessons...piano lessons...I could do tarot card readings..' all this nonsense was running through my head and it was so ungrounding and I just felt so lost. Until one morning which I can only describe as an act of clairvoyance, was that I got a voice or just the words of what I needed to do in my head and I got out of bed with flying speed 'that's it!' I thought 'that's the answer!'.

And of course like everything else, I gave it a go, but soon I felt low and I didn't think it was good enough and I gave up on it then tried something else, which was make jewellery and of course I thought the same about that too and let it slide.

Meanwhile my moods were up and down, I was still looking for jobs and failing at interviews, I even think I scared one woman off by telling her all the things I did, she must have thought I was crazy...I didn't get the job.

It started to seem impossible, I would avoid certain jobs like working in a cafe, my hearing is hypersensitive from my aspergers and the sound of a coffee machine does not appeal to me.

Then there's the fear of talking to people, I can't tell a story to save my life, I'm not interested in gossip, I couldn't wait on tables – I'd rather jump out of a plane.

The overwhelming sound of a restaurant, my boss telling me ten times how to do something and I'm still not getting it right, making a very uncomfortable atmosphere, which I can't break because of my fear of communicating and saying something wrong or weird.

But I couldn't help but thinking all that time, that I was better than this and it wasn't until I realised that it was almost completely hopeless for my to get a job that I should properly act upon it.

My home town wasn't exactly in abundance with jobs, having almost everyone on the dole and most of the shops closed, they relied on the summer to bring in the money.

I thought I had made a big mistake to come back and was completely stressed about how I couldn't then live all dreams because I didn't have the money too. I wanted to travel and such things but it almost seemed impossible.

I started selling my old cloths on eBay, figuring something could come of that at least. Then I thought of the things I had made from the clairvoyant whisper. 'I wonder if I put them on eBay' and so I did, I couldn't believe it, they went like wild fire.

I was so happy and relieved, I put in some determination, made more, then they went and so on, I couldn't believe it. Mostly because I thought of this idea 4 years before then I gave up on it and set myself up to struggle, I was as poor as it was to live in the UK and not be homeless.

But now I had the answer, I cried and let go of all the suffering I had put myself thought and the struggles with jobs and trying to keep them.

I'm a very determined person, I always have been and I wouldn't let my mental health get in the way. It was because of this how I found it so important to rest, when I was in a low mood I wouldn't take no excuses and force myself to be productive.

This was never a good idea because the low mood would drag on for longer, it was body telling me I needed to rest.

This was the same for employment, I had lost a few jobs because I had been to tired to go into them, I couldn't keep up with it everyday and I had a voice in my head saying 'I want to do what I want'.

But it's finding what you want and becoming financially stable in doing it. That can be hard with in itself, some people already know and are afraid of taking a chance, but it's never to late to live your dreams, time is something we have made up.

I've accept my mental health completely, it's part of who I am and now I just go along with the flow, sometimes I don't want to work and sometimes I do, I have the control.

I don't have to answer to no one if I don't want to, I don't have to talk to anyone or take their orders. I can just lock myself away from the world watch Pride and Prejudiced and get to work, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I believe that in a way your mental health can be a gift, but it might not ever seem it. I believe mine is, it's helped me escape from being an average Joe, it's giving me opportunities to do what I love and it can for you too, you just have to find out what it is that you love and monetise it.

I've found that there are so many possibilities out there, you meant to be doing the things that you love, it's why you're here, everything happens for a reason, don't let the idea and the excuse of mental health hold you back.