Psyche logo

Mental Health Stigma and My Antidepressants

Ending My Own Stigma About Mental Health and Medication

By Jess VarnerPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
Like
"I had been simply treading water, settling on surviving and avoiding pain rather than being actively involved in seeking out Life" - Kay Redfield Jamison

A year ago last February, I walked out of my doctor's office with a prescription for antidepressants. Lexapro, by the way, is this anxious girl's best friend. And friend, it had taken me a year to gather both my thoughts and courage on the subject and make an appointment. Apart from having to make the appointment—because to work on your social anxiety, you have to make a phone call and talk to someone—I had so many more demons to conquer.

There were people around me, well meaning and loving I'm sure, that made up a demon. Because Big Pharma is a Problem, and holistic medicine is in, and Aunt Cindy won't take an aspirin unless she's dying. Not that any of this was said with antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds in mind. But, when medicine is something you take when you're sick, to get over something, daily meds for a problem you're not sure is a problem aren't an option. Because when I told my little sister that I was thinking of medication, she shot back, "Yeah, but do you need that???" Do I? I'd made it 22 years in life without. I graduated with honors, made it through college presentations and job interviews. I could manage. But simply living, treading water, isn't thriving. I could do these things, and limit myself to one phone call a day without crying. And feel physically ill at job interviews. And push back at the shaking hands, pounding pulse, and racing thoughts when I answered roll call in class. But why?

My biggest demon had my name. My biggest fear was that there was no Problem. Did I have anxiety or was it just me? Was I just shy to a crippling degree? What if. What if anti-anxiety meds didn't work? What if therapy didn't work? What if it was just me?

Which is ridiculous, and I promise, it's not just you. Friends, if it impacts your life, if it keeps you from thriving, it's a problem. Medication may not work for everyone. But things can always be better.

A month after starting anti-anxiety/ antidepressant meds*, I was grocery shopping. And in the freezer aisle, I could barely see the edge of the Desired flavor of ice cream. Not that my five-foot self can reach it. And where that would have been the end of it, where I would have settled—I simply stepped on the bottom shelf, swung up, and grabbed the last container above my head. Because when you're anxious, everything is a minefield. Everything has the potential to embarrass you, trip you up. Everything that can go wrong, will. In your mind. In four seconds. And for once, I didn't have to navigate a minefield.

I had built this up so very much. It's so easy to build imagined problems, imagined What-ifs. And after one small phone call, and perhaps two hours in a doctor's office, it was done. Don't mistake me, it took time after to find the correct dosage and there were follow up visits, but the bulk of it was over. I had made a start. I'd come into my own understanding of the stigma surrounding mental illness and medication.

My mind may not be friendly to me yet. I'm not magically self-assured. But it's clear out now. The hazy layer of fear and imagined mines are gone. I'm finally making my mind a sanctuary.

*Anti-anxiety and antidepressant used interchangeably, as most medications that treat one, treat the other. Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) make up a great many of these medications.

anxiety
Like

About the Creator

Reader insights

Be the first to share your insights about this piece.

How does it work?

Add your insights

Comments

There are no comments for this story

Be the first to respond and start the conversation.

Sign in to comment

    Find us on social media

    Miscellaneous links

    • Explore
    • Contact
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
    • Support

    © 2024 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.