Mental Illness and Me

What is there to say? I am going to be writing some sort of a diary or journal for you and the world. I figure it may help me through some of the feelings and emotions that I have every day. I am putting myself out on a ledge. Which iIcan honestly say is not a first time experience for me.

I was diagnosed with a serious mental illness (SMI) a few years ago. I always knew there was something not quite right with me. As a child my mother had me in therapy for it for many years. I was wrongly diagnosed back then. I would say things took a wrong turn around fifth grade. That was when I had my first of many hospitalizations.

Now, I live a very lonely life surrounded by my family. To many that may not make any sense, but to someone with schizoaffective disorder it makes perfect sense. My family is very supportive and loving, but they don't nor will they ever completely understand me or what I go through every day. They do try, but it's just something that can't be explained. It needs to be experienced.

My wife works full-time and our son goes to school so there are many hours where I am literally left all alone. That is difficult for me to deal with. My wife bought me a kitten, figuring that may help with the emptiness. It does quite a bit. I love her dearly, but sometimes its not enough.

My little Beauty, she seems to recognize my moments. She knows when to come to me and when to stay away. Weird, right? I can't imagine my days without her. I often wonder what I did before I had her. Still, she can't replace human interaction.

Things should not be this difficult. I find myself in this vulnerable state quite often with no explanation. I do suppose that my failure in continuing treatment has had a great deal of effect here. My family and I could not stand the "zombie-like" effects of the medications. I was so heavily medicated that I could not stay awake, let alone function in life. I tried several combinations of meds and ended with the exact same result.

A large part of schizoaffective disorder is drug use or "self-medicating." I have struggled with that since the age of 15. The effects of drugs masked many of my symptoms if not all of them. I can honestly and happily announce that I have been clean and sober for a little over three months now. Yes, I feel better to an extent. No, I am not satisfied with the result. My family is happy though. I was headed down a dark and twisty road.

As of now I am not on any medication at all and I can honestly say that things have gone all the way to the other extreme. I can not sleep at all. I'm alone with Beauty most of the day and I am up alone all night. This is why I say I am completely alone even though I am surrounded by my loved ones. There is no happy medium. The extreme feelings that I go through are just a part of me that I need to accept and deal with. I have no other options.

Today was perfect. I was struggling with being alone today. Beauty somehow knew that. She sat and laid with me all day. She would go handle her business and come right back to me. Awesome!

This concludes my first journal entry. I feel a little lighter being able to get my thoughts out. Being that this also a public forum brings me some sense of togetherness. I don't feel quite so alone at the moment. This may be tad more effective than writing in a private journal.