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Mental Illness Does Not Define You

Sometimes we all need a little help and that's okay.

By Christina ScanlonPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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I just took a shower. Why am I telling you this? Because I didn’t take a shower for a whole week. My house is disorganized. Why do you care? Because I don’t have the energy to actually put things away from when we moved into the apartment a year ago. My in-laws want me to come visit them. I’m scared to leave my house, scared to face the outside world, scared of people. Scared of doing mundane tasks like grocery shopping or paying a bill. These are some of the daily struggles I face with mental illness.

I’m constantly tired. My sleep scheduled is all screwed up. I take naps in the middle of the day when normal people are awake and either at work or running errands. Coffee doesn’t help, nor does getting eight full hours of recommended sleep. I find myself sitting on the couch just staring at my phone or mindlessly scrolling Facebook. Some would look at this and pass it off as laziness; what they don’t realize is that it’s something more, thoughts running rampant through a brain that struggles to have normal thoughts, that attempts to shut out the negative words a small voice keeps telling them.

Mental illness is a constant battle with oneself. On one end, there’s a voice, the positive side of your brain that constantly flatters you with positive comments and makes you feel good about yourself. It’s a constant party in here. On the other end, It’s a dark room of people dressed in black, wallowing in their self-pity, focusing on everything that is negative, everything that could go wrong. This is where the deepest, darkest thoughts come to manifest. This is where 99 percent of my thought process lingers, no matter how hard I try to think positive and look for a happy outcome in everyday life.

Sometimes, I tend to have bad days. There are days where I don’t want to get out of bed, don’t want to see anyone, or even on really bad days, run errands or write. I don’t want to play video games which I LOVE more than breathing. These are the days where my mental health is holding me down with a heavy hand. These are the days where my head goes to some really dark places. This is where the suicidal ideologies start to manifest. I start thinking about how my own family, my friends, my husband even would be better off without me, how the whole world would benefit from me not being alive anymore, I start thinking how I’m just a waste of space that no one gives a shit about. I’m that expendable friend that could easily be replaced with someone more interesting and who has their shit together.

I’ve been seeing a therapist bi-weekly for about five years now. I can’t even describe the feeling of walking out of the office with a new perspective on what I’m going through, it’s like a hug that I needed. Mental health professionals are a Godsend when it comes to suffering from mental illness. A good support system is also crucial in helping those who battle with their minds daily. It does get better. It doesn’t happen overnight, steps need to be taken to live a positive life, despite the rampant negative thoughts that plague us on the daily. Sometimes, you need to repeat what’s bothering you to your therapist or loved one because a part of you still doesn’t know how to deal with it. I can’t remember how many times I’ve had to repeat myself about something that’s bothering me and that’s okay, at least you’re talking about it. Keep talking about it, keep dealing with your problems until they are no longer problems and you can feel better. I believe in you.

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About the Creator

Christina Scanlon

41 year old introvert and professional procrastinator. I love video games and writing as it is therapy for my mental illness. I hope you read my stories and share them with your friends!

[email protected]

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