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Mental Illness: The Demons Within

Chapter 4: Anxiety

Anxiety is an illness that has the least in common with possession or the occult, but it still has some similarities. This chapter will most likely be more about the illness itself rather than similarities to possession but hopefully it will still be helpful to others. Based on people I have talked to and some research I have done it seems that like depression, anxiety is one of the most common of the mental illnesses. 

It is possible to have occasional anxiety and not be diagnosed with it but if it’s more than occasional it doesn’t hurt to talk to your doctor about it. There are also different kinds of anxiety; it’s helpful to know what type you have. 

I am not sure of all the different types of anxiety there are but I know of general anxiety (which is what I have) and social anxiety and most mental illnesses if not all, include anxiety, so even if you have not been diagnosed with anxiety but you have other mental illnesses, chances are, you have some form of anxiety.

The former friend I mentioned was a major trigger for this illness especially. He would go out of his way to cause severe anxiety attacks. He accused me of sexual assault but refused to tell me what I did to deserve such an accusation (I was told by some who were there that night that I did nothing to him) he made that accusation because he knew it would make me anxious and it would scare me and it did. 

I had a major anxiety attack, I couldn’t breathe and I was shaking and crying and I ended up going out for a walk at around 2:30 AM and something bad could have happened to me but he didn’t care about that. Not only did he do that to intentionally cause anxiety for me but he also used it against me and as a way to control and manipulate me, from that moment until the moment our friendship ended.

The thing about the night he made that accusation is that I have no memory of that night and he knew that so it was very easy for him to convince me of anything relating to that night knowing that I would not remember it and so I could not call him out on his lies or tell him he was wrong but I knew in my heart that he was about this, I knew that what he was saying was not me. 

A former friend of mine apparently put extra alcohol in my drinks and once I was at a point where I had enough and was in no condition to make rational decisions, she convinced me to drink more. The next morning I was throwing up blood and was severely dizzy and nauseous all day and had no memory of that night and that is when this male friend of mine, made the accusation. 

For someone who was supposed to be my friend, to make such a serious accusation but refuse to tell me what I did is absolutely disgusting and uncalled for. A true friend would not make that accusation but would say something like: “I know you have no memory of that night and that you were not in control and I know that the person you were that night is not the person you are, but this is what you did to me and it made me uncomfortable and I would rather we not hangout together for a bit and I hope you understand.” 

A true friend would have told me what I did but he didn’t because he knew it would cause me pain and anxiety and that is what he wanted and he wanted to use that to control me because he had so much power over me.

He was no better than the mental illness demons that controlled me, in fact, he was worse because he was a person who knew what he was doing and knew the harm he was causing me, and did it anyway because he wanted to cause me pain and he wanted to have that power over me. A mental illness, as bad as it is, is not alive and does not make decisions or know what it’s doing. 

That is also a difference between a possession and a mental illness, the illness can make no choices it’s just there, a demon knows the damage it’s doing to the victim and doesn’t care, and causing a person so much pain and fear actually brings them joy and that was the case with this former friend of mine.

He intentionally caused anxiety attacks and sometimes would even laugh about it thinking it was so funny that I was reacting that way to things he said. He had so much control and power over me and had me so brainwashed that if he didn’t speak to me for a while I would have an anxiety attack thinking he was ignoring me or didn’t want to be my friend anymore. 

That is not me, if you were to ask my other friends, they would tell you that sometimes I would go days without talking to them or they would go days without talking to me, and then they would start a conversation or I would and it was all good, I wouldn’t have any anxiety attacks. Some friends I have, I had gone months or years without talking to them much or at all and then when I see them or talk to them it’s like we were never apart, so even with my anxiety, it’s not like me to be that dependant on someone.

Some of my most severe panic attacks were caused by him. He told me that at least 12 people at work hated me and talked about me to him all the time but refused to tell me their names. He did that because he knew it would cause me major anxiety to know people were talking about me but to not know their names, just like he did with the accusation he made against me, he told me I did something but refused to tell me what I did, knowing that doing so would trigger my anxiety. 

He would also tell me things about my ex that he knew would hurt me and make me anxious and I couldn’t figure out why someone I trusted and called a friend, would do such terrible things to me.

What bothered me the most about the things he did, is that he would trigger certain illnesses, certain emotions then if I snapped or acted a certain way in response, he would turn around and call me a bad friend or a bad person and he would play the victim and make me look like the bad guy. 

He even went as far as showing my messages to other people but most likely retracted or deleted the negative messages that he sent to me so that it looked like I was attacking him for no reason. I tried to protect him from a girl who was very controlling and manipulative to him and used him but it didn’t do any good and I realize now it’s because he is no better than her, he was doing to me what she did to him, he manipulated me and controlled me and had so much power over me. 

He was a very toxic person to me and never was my friend. He even had control over my ex and according to him, the majority of my ex’s decisions in our relationship, was because of him.

I may have mentioned this in a previous chapter already, if so then I am repeating it here, but that’s okay because it’s something I would like to emphasize in hopes that it will help others come to the realization that I came to, but maybe it will help them come to that realization sooner than I did and maybe prevent what I went through before the friendship finally ended, and what I want people to know, is that every time I had suicidal thoughts or attempts or when I self-harmed, it was while talking to him. 

He triggered those thoughts and those attempts and he triggered the emotions that led me to self-harm. I wish I had realized it sooner it would have saved me some pain but maybe this book will help others to get out of toxic relationships before it gets to the point I got to, whether it’s a relationship with a friend, family member, or a romantic relationship.

I will forgive him one day for what he has done, when the time is right, but I will never forget the things he said and did and the pain it caused me. He is just like the other men who have mentally or physically abused me or triggered certain illnesses and caused me pain. Some of them I have forgiven and others I have not yet forgiven but someday will.

I will now talk a bit about anxiety and how it relates to possession or the occult in general. With possession, in cases I have researched, the victim does seem to have anxiety attacks and become paranoid (which can also be symptoms of other mental illnesses) for example, they could have a severe anxiety attack at the sight or mention of holy objects or words (for instance a prayer).

They would also be anxious knowing that something unnatural and evil has taken over their body and their mind which I think is a very normal reaction to such an event. I have not been possessed but I have had occasional paranormal related anxiety usually while watching certain films or doing research or having certain dreams or visions and other paranormal experiences.

An example of an experience that caused me anxiety is one night while lying in bed, I felt something heavy on my feet as if someone or something was sitting on the end of my bed, I thought perhaps my sister had gone to the bathroom and her dog got out of her room and came by to visit, but I had a sick feeling in my stomach, regardless. 

I was about to open my eyes to look when the soft but pleading voice of a woman spoke to me and said “Don’t open your eyes, don’t look,” and if the sick feeling wasn’t enough of a reason to not look, the urgency and fear in her voice certainly was. Whoever or whatever she was, she was protecting me but I still to this day, have some anxiety about it and still quite often, feel something heavy on my bed but I never look.

Another experience I had was seeing a reddish/orange face on the wall one night and there was absolutely no light shining through, nothing that would make that shape or that color. The face had horns and empty eyes and I could tell it was so evil and definitely meant me harm. 

I immediately went back to my room. The fact that I am able to have the experiences I have, but not be in danger or in fear of my illnesses being worsened, is certainly a blessing. I do believe that one of the reasons I am more vulnerable to the paranormal is because of my mental health. But luckily I have the ability to protect myself against any creature that would harm me. 

I believe also that the woman that spoke to me is maybe a spirit guide or someone sent to help protect me. Sometimes I wonder if maybe she is someone I created myself as a way to protect myself, perhaps a barrier against evil. Either way, it’s certainly a comforting thought to know that I am safe.

I think whether a person believes in the occult or not, the idea that something that is unnatural and evil is out there or could be out there, is enough to make any person anxious and just the word itself can make a person anxious if they fear it. 

I do not fear evil because I feel like I am protected from it and I do not believe I can be harmed because I have the ability to block it and not let it in (an ability I hope will always stay with me). Many people fear such things whether they believe in them or not and I think the reason they do not believe is that the thought that these things exist is too terrifying to even imagine.

The same could be said about those who do not believe in mental illnesses, maybe they think the idea that something could control the body and mind of a loved one and completely change them, is too scary to think about and so they choose not to believe these illnesses exist which unfortunately does not change the fact that they do exist and many people do not get the help they need for that reason. 

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