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Sunflowers make me happy. The brightness of them remind me that there is light in a world so dark. Though your darkness may be a lot different to mine. My mental instability keeps me in the dark. I know that I’m not but I feel pathetic, like I’m worthless and not good. I hurt those around me, especially the ones I love most. Obviously not physically but words hurt, too.
I don’t mean to sound like a teenager trying to fit into the hype of having a mental illness, or to sound like I’m trying to be an edgy Tumblr post. I just don’t want people to feel alone. I feel the same as you. Suffering from depression and anxiety is just shit. Medication does nothing. Counselling does nothing. It’s all in my head people say. That’s the worst part about it. It is. I can’t stop it. I wish everything would just fall silent. Retracting the noise and having peace for just a few seconds. No one should feel alone. I want to give advice on how I cope. Though I may not cope well with my crippling depression, others may benefit from my mistakes.
Talking to people does help. Sounds hypocritical now when I have previously said how they don’t help. Well, bottling it up doesn’t help either. I write when I’m finding it hard to handle. Just like this I guess. Spewing my thoughts onto a page, I doubt this will be noticed much but it helps me and hopefully someone else. I tend to push people away when they try to help. I’m all over the place and very contradictory.
I recently rang a hotline and that kinda helped. They make you feel heard. Like you actually have a voice. I admire those people volunteering to talk to those who need help. They are strong people. I could tell that the lady I was speaking to was sad about me talking to her, whether this be because I was crying or because of my age, I am unsure. Or maybe it was the hopeless tone I carry with me on a day to day basis.
I pretend to be happy. I’ve become a master at faking it. It’s like I put on a mask when I go out and then when I’m alone it comes off. I sit in darkness a lot of the time. I don’t like the light, it hurts my eyes. Listening to music changes my mood. It stimulates something in my brain that stops the sadness. Unless I listen to "Asleep" by The Smiths, a great song but very touching. My favourite line is the saddest one, “Don’t feel bad for me I want you to know, deep in the cell of my heart I really want to go.” He is pleased with the arrival of his death and finds that his desire to die far outweighed his will to live, the narrator attempting to reassure those who will mourn him after his death. He is alleviating the burden they might feel due to his passing, and trying to convince them that he would be happier to simply die in peace, rather than live on in a world which has caused him such despair and depression. One possible interpretation is that he relates his heart to a prison cell. He feels captive and hopeless, bound to sadness and sorrow as long as he is alive. I feel as though I relate.
This is a very sad first post. I promise I can be happy and interesting as well. At this moment in time sadness is all I can write about. It’s odd but I write poetry. I wish to publish one some day.
Well, this is it for now. I’m sorry if this has made you sad. Just remember everything will be okay.