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Mia Luna

A Peek into My Subconscious (Il Mio Amore)

By Nicole FennPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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I'm insane, I'm stressed, I'm far away in another galaxy being swallowed by a massive black hole as I stare lovingly and longingly at the moon. If I could marry the moon I would. My children would be the stars. My nightly walks with the one I love, lighting my way through the dark. Always being watched over, always safe. She does. She keeps me company late at night when I'm most vulnerable. Sees my scars. She's the one I look at when tears sting my eyes but never fall. She comes and goes, but when she leaves; there's always that promise of returning. I sing to her sometimes as she whispers of the songs to fill my ears, to distract. My icy breath visible as I look up to her the entire time, the melodies are sung softly; barely uttered with a strained voice. But, she understands, she knows, and she appreciates it; loves it. When I'm out with her, I walk hand-in-hand. Out is where I find love, peace, adoration, and comfort. My head always crooning up at the inky black sea to gaze upon my children. Shining bright as they carve pictures into the darkness. It's painful after a while. My neck bearing the weight of my head, my thoughts, but also because I can't gaze upon my children with pride forever. I wish I could. Sometimes my children dance by, that moment solidifying an opportunity to talk to them, to wish to be among them. But, for today, for now, this night; our love is only separated by this Earth. This inferno of life, with her waiting at the end.

~*~

I haven't talked to Luna in a while. I almost rarely see her and it breaks my heart. When I am out late at night after a dreadfully long day, she'll be there watching and waiting for me to speak. But, I'm too lost, too far away with my thoughts. It's been cloudy. My excuse as to why I have not uttered a word as she comes and goes. And I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry to push away such a presence that brings so much wonder and hope and comfort. A presence that keeps me company when my thoughts are most vulnerable. I want to see her again. To look up and strain my neck as I whisper over and over my empty apologies. My breath chilled in the nightly air, creating a plume of regret that'll cloud my eyes. Tears of shame draining from my eyes as they create scars running down my face, staining my jacket. It's too salty, only making me thirst for more. Because I'm greedy and selfish. Would she be mad? would she forgive me? It's hard to tell because I know she cares but, has so many mysterious and marvelous ways of showing it. Please, forgive my distant mind and soul.

~*~

I watched the stars with a friend of mine the other night. My children shining so big and bright as if to show off to the new set of gazing eyes, my friend looking on with wonder. I laughed at them as if telling them to behave as I confess my endless love for them. The moment was beautiful and pristine as I explained of a place where you can see thousands upon thousands of these bright entities. A place tucked away in the mountains, an open grassy and lush plain surrounded by the thick blackness of the forest. No light is allowed from the city, from suburban areas; just the red glow from speculation and artificial flashlights. I explained the hours spent large into the night just gazing, admiring, completely in love. The feeling of being so small under the blanket of distant stars, the string of lights hanging by the Milky Way. But, you feel so big as well, completely apart of a grander experience as you stand among giants, back straight along with them. I feel so proud talking about them, standing amongst them as they show off the art they so delicately create in the night sky.

~*~

When I can't cry. When my emotions are too stubborn. When my mind and body are numb with apathy and the routine of life. When my body refuses to let a wall break, to let others see me weak. When I can't cry, the Earth does for me. It's peaceful, the soft lull of water droplets collecting in pools on the ground. Pattering against windows and streets; trickling down rooftops and out of waterspouts. I splash in the pools, a childlike spirit awakening. Memories, places, things, and people reminding me through the haze and fog of my childhood. It almost makes you forget the Earth is crying. Tears of joy, of pain, of sympathy. Tears I cannot seem to express myself. The Earth knows when things turn rough. Knows when my eyes run dry. Knows when I can't let go or hold on. She knows, and she cries for me. The peace of it melts my troubles, allows me to become one with Her as the drops stream down my face. Like tears, tears of the Earth running from my eyes. They are my tears. Opening up and pouring over vast distances, mental clouds that manifest and just... let go. I am one with the Earth.

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About the Creator

Nicole Fenn

Young, living - thriving? Writing every emotion, idea, or dream that intrigues me enough to put into a long string of words for others to absorb - in the hopes that someone relates, understands, and appreciates.

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