Middle of the Night Anxiety

It 00:47 on a Wednesday night/Thursday morning and after the busiest and soul destroying day at a job I hate I have found myself lying in bed scrolling the endless threads on Facebook, Instagram, News Feed, and Tinder profiles in the hope my precarious mind will finally go to sleep.... Safe to say this will not happen.

I came across an advert for this website Vocal and after my anxiety goading my low self esteem with thoughts of "no one will read this you are just wasting your time" and "another thing you won’t continue with—quitter," I thought to do what I always do and say "f*ck it! I will do it anyway and see how I feel."

I have suffered with anxiety, worry, and low self confidence since I was a very young girl at school. I was bullied for enjoying learning, for not being the pretty Essex girls with blonde curly locks but chubby cheeks and black thick pony tails and ribbons. I never saw myself as beautiful or good enough and instead hated to be noticed. People that may know me now will find this ridiculous as I am an actress and also the loudest in a room, the one cracking a joke every 5 seconds and the one everyone else volunteers to take on a public embarrassment. However, just because I love people doesn’t mean I love myself.

The first thoughts that came into my head were of my illustrious acting career that hasn’t taken a step off the am-dram profit share cycle and after trolling posts shamelessly in an acting Facebook group I begin to worry about my future and why I am not doing what I had set out to do since I was a small child? Cue the "what ifs," regrets of every audition I chickened out of because I was too afraid of rejection so I made pathetic excuses and every no I received after building my hopes up.

I have compared myself to four friends already (most likely to be more after this post has been written) who are sharing their success in filtered selfies with celebrities and beautiful costumes. Don’t get me wrong I am so very happy for them, but at the same time, it’s not a bad thing to be honest. My anxiety and self destructive addiction is extremely jealous, envious, and frustrated I have not taken the same risks to reap the rewards.

BANG!! Optimistic brain activates. "That’s it Siobhan, time to apply for acting roles and get yourself out there again! You got this."

Anxiety brain interrupts. "You have a stable job why are you going to sacrifice that for something that is not guaranteed Siobhan? If you were good enough you would have been successful by now. No point looking for acting jobs today. Maybe end of the week when you are less busy... maybe"

Sigh... porn to take your mind off?

It’s always the same. As I continue to scroll my tinder notifications pop up to see a guy I matched with has started a conversation but my wandering eye notices the guy I was ACTUALLY interested in has unmatched me. I feel like the ugliest woman alive. I’ve been single for nearly two years now. No dates have led anywhere. The rejection begins to get personal. So I type in my ex boyfriend's name in the Facebook search. A sick feeling washes over me. How would I feel if I was to see his new girlfriend? Has he blocked me? Should I call? No.... but it’s so familiar... no... but I’m lonely. He wasn’t the most supportive or positive boyfriend but the emotionally dependent heart wants what it wants... validation and reassurance from somewhere it already knows is not available. New thought: maybe I should just watch porn?

I put down my phone and tell myself I need to sleep but a new anxious feeling has washed over me and I can’t breathe. I will be one of those old brides. I open up my phone and scroll down my Instagram feed. Picture after picture of acquaintances that I went university and college with... engaged, couples trips, matching coffee cups with flaky almond croissants, silly faces, and novelty Disney ears. My heart breaks and I cry into my pillow. Tinder pings again.

"What are you looking for on here?" The truth—someone who won’t leave. Response: "not sure just go on dates and see what happens.. you?" The all but famous "nothing serious just fun really." I log off the app and the irrational disappointment of a potential 3 year relationship down the drain with Luca who I have only spoken to for an accumulative 13 minutes. Maybe scroll back at some filthy texts from an old fling might make me feel better... maybe not.

I log back onto Facebook and I see positive news headlines of gay marriage rights in Australia and I automatically turn into negative thoughts of a handful of gay friends I have consciously uncoupled with earlier this year. Another news feed about people boycotting Tesco because Muslims are in a Christmas ad. Siobhan’s self righteous rant in the comment section blasting racists and Islamophobists (retrying to spell this in autocorrect 4 times before giving up the comment all together).

I lie back down and feel empty but my hands can’t resist this social networking addiction for a weird sense of business which is only feeding my self destructive thoughts of inadequacy and failure til I see a daily quote post about living in the present and worry about the future and it calms me. So I look at another photo quote, and another and another.

Which leads me to 00:44 when I decide to create a Vocal account and write this post. This may be my first and last ever post. This may be read by only 3 people. Heck nobody might even reach the bottom of this paragraph but if you have read this and if like me from 6am til 8pm when you are finally home in your room and finished playing the life and soul of every party character when you walk through every room and your anxious mind has been waiting to play havoc on your emotions, then just know you are not alone and you can be safe in the fact that all these thoughts are nothing but a rush of chemical reactions that will soon subside.

So don’t reach for your phone to be trapped on an endless thread at 01:39 in the morning and do something more beneficial like write a post to release what you’re thinking and feeling... and if you really have to surf the web, do it on WiFi. I only wished I hadn’t used up all my data or else I would have definitely watched some porn instead...