Moded AF

It's 2017 and things are pretty much going downhill... quickly. Against my better judgment, I am at my grandmother's place because living alone is becoming a type of hell that is unbearable. (Despite a “friend” of mine telling me that moving back would be the worse thing in the world). I am also up to my nose in a depression that I can't explain to anyone. I think to myself that I can't still be grieving, when in fact, I am still grieving everything about my old life — my family, my friends, and the life I was "supposed" to have, whatever that means — anxiously thinking, I can still have that old life back, if I try really hard. I have to be MORE positive, MORE liked, be nicer, do everything right and to just stay above water by working a nice job. It's like the older I get, something in me get's more aggressive. However, on the outside, I become more timid. Go figure?

Not too long ago, things were great. I was dating, spoke to friends on a regular basis, attended church, and was in the choir. Did I not mention the church is my family? No literally, every member is related to me by blood. It's crazy. Now, there's a halt, almost as though my life has paused for a special reason... and I'm clueless as to why. I’m constantly thinking about all of my choices and man, were there choices. Don't get me wrong, I had a blast and lived life to the fullest. Something is haunting me and I know we all make mistakes but these racing thoughts have to stop! There has to be some other explanation as to why things turned out the way they did?

Enoch (the little brother) knows I am trying my best and I'll do whatever I can for him, if I can get out of this situation. At this point, no one is aware, but he has gone to live with his father. This is probably one of the hardest things for me to deal with but within our community, if a father is present, a young child should learn from said father, as well, especially if we are approaching adolescence. I am also aware that he is not my biological son but he needs a mom/sister figure looking out for him. I don't plan on missing formal, prom, and graduation. I kicked myself previously for missing eigth grade graduation because of work. I'm not letting that happen again! I love him something fierce and me not having it together is not only affecting my life, but others as well. I moved out here for the sole purpose of getting more support with Enoch and now that he is in California, why am I even out here? Aside from "family," what's the point? This Arizona heat scrambles the brain or something. That's the only explanation. It's going to upset my family but I am going to have to leave Az behind.

In the midst of my thoughts, my grandmother walks into the room and hands me an envelop. She says, "Here's some paperwork that belonged to your mother. I thought you might like it." I start to look over the documents. There are certificates of my mom's accomplishments (which is cool to see), and then there is an IEP for me from when I was 4-years-old. I must have been in preschool or so. There's a sentence that sticks out, clear as day, in black, bold letters... CHILD DISPLAYS ANXIETY WHEN MOTHER LEAVES THE ROOM! What?!??! This was from preschool. I never even stood a chance...