Mom - Me - I

I am a 27 year old woman who is just trying to get through life.

At 10 years old, I lost my father to atherosclerosis; he was 39. It was a shock, to say the least. I got through it by eating out almost every day with my mother and living with my grandparents for a couple of months. I also never gave up on school, put myself into my work, friends, and movies. I loved movies!! Still do.

I ended up seeing a therapist, and was never really diagnosed with anything; they really couldn't, I was 10.

But then I got older. EVERYONE GETS OLDER. Yes, even you. You will get older. I started to change. I didn't really show it on the outside, but I felt it in the inside. I also started to go through the woman change. It was brutal. They had me on medication pretty early.

My mom was seeing someone new. He treated me like his own daughter, went to Florida with us, took us to meet Star Wars actors in the USA!!! So many good memories. He actually talked to me about marrying my mom. I was so happy. You know the kind where you get to see the prince and princess fall in love? Unfortunately, he was bipolar and ended up having an affair. My mom and him didn't make it.

Then, when I was 18, my mom made a miracle happen. You see, when I was 2, the doctors told my mom she could never have any more kids... She ended up getting pregnant and having my sister. She flatlined on the table for 3.5 minutes, but they brought her back. My sister has many disabilities.

The man my mom was dating before she got pregnant with my sister, he killed himself when I was 19. One of the worst feelings you can have. Suicide I never the answer; yes you may be in pain, but suicide just transfers the pain to someone else.

Also, the year my sister was born.... My grandfather suffered a severe stroke. He's still alive, but he's wheelchair bound. He used to drive me to the cemetery to see my dad.

I made it through high school, working two part time jobs, graduating—albeit not the greatest scores. I focused on boys..... A lot...... During my time in the high school, I was sexually abused by my ex, lost friendship with my closest friend, lost my cat of 12 years (last living memory of my dad), and still managed to be dealing with everything else. I was short, healthy, thin, long hair, and I actually felt good about myself... Low self esteem, but higher confidence. I was becoming suicidal, slowly. I started college in 2010... Same year my sis was born. Never finished it. Still paying off student loans—little bit at a time. Money doesn't grow on trees... Unfortunately, without a degree of college or university, you can't really get hired anywhere nowadays. And limited mobility, forget about it. At this point, I was seeing a counselor... Sometimes... And got a little diagnosed with depression and possible PTSD. I started cutting myself.... Not good... Never healthy.

Then, 2014 came and I met someone. I didn't think anything of it, try it out kind of deal. I fell in love. He proposed to me. I got pregnant, one of the scariest things to happen to me. I had a human growing inside of me!!!! I had no idea how it would make me feel. I cried, I craved, I laughed, I peed a lot, I gave up, I fought, I did everything.... Things I never thought I would.... Things I had expected. Me and my partner fight a lot. My health gets in the way of a lot. Our romance has dwindled, our communication is not really that good... But hey, going on five years—still together.. We've had a separation, but we still loved each other... and we made it back to each other.

The day came when I had my little girl. At this point, I had been fully diagnosed with depression, possible PTSD, and mild anxiety. I was having chronic headaches. Still have them... They are worse now. When I had my daughter, I cried. I pushed her out all natural, no meds, and in five hours. She was quick. I never felt so much love for someone, as much as I felt for her. It was as if everything bad in my life had just blew away with her first glance to me. I couldn't believe it. I was a mother... I will not talk about the hospital.

This year I suffered an anxiety attack in my fiancés car. Why? Don't know. Unresponsive for over an hour. The doctors woke me up with a strong sternum rub... They came extremely close to calling a code blue. My mother in hysterics, my daughter at her grandma's on his side, and I heard everything.... But I couldn't move, couldn't talk... Still not as scary as having a child.

Three years later, I am now fighting for disability, as I now have other medical issues. I have been denied twice because why? My doctor is not right. He actually contradicted himself in my papers.

I need a CPAP machine, I've gained over 100lbs since I had my daughter, I have decreased in self esteem even more... There are days where I feel my fiancé is cheating on me because I don't look like I used to. I can't even wear certain clothing... Claustrophobia!!!!

I have now lived in three houses with my partner, we have a daughter, three cats, looking at a medical dog, and now I am trying to find a way to pay for my wedding.

All of this and I'm only 27.

It doesn't matter how old you are, how much you give, what you do in life—we all suffer in some way, shape or form. I wrote my story to tell you that I am still alive. Almost every day I don't want to be... But then I look at my daughter and I see hope, and I see how she needs me. Trust me, her father couldn't do it......🙄

We all have to remember, we are not superheroes! We are human!!!!!! Only human! We can't fix everything... we may not even be able to fix all the problems we create ourselves; all we can do is try our best to live our lives the only way we know how—by understanding us and doing what is right for us and do right by our children, our loved ones, ourselves!