So I’ve battled with depression for most of my teenage life, and I always tried to ignore it. I thought if I just gave the impression of being happy I would eventually be happy. I lived my life suffering, thinking to myself, “Nah man, this isn’t you. You’re just tired!” Trying to ignore the feeling have me some false sense of hope that I was fine, and that I would be okay .But sometime last January it finally caught up to me and it hit like a catagory 8 (if that even exists) hurricane. I had so many negative thoughts towards myself and just feeling so low. As if I was at the lowest point in the ocean, just drowning in my own sorrow, and couldn't call for help. I figured if I tried to numb my pain through weed and alcohol and hanging around a bunch of people I didn’t know, then I would feel better. And for a while I did... or so I thought. All of my memories from that year were all ones that were either bad, or ones that I was too high to remember.
After smoking almost everyday and spending more than two-thirds of my paycheck every week that I realized something: Nothing I was doing at the moment was helping me to feel any better than I did before. I also realized that the people I was hanging around didn’t really care about me, but rather about the money I had. (Because we would often smoke together.) It was July that I came to that realization and it only brought me lower than I was before. I felt so awful. It was a struggle to wake up in the morning and go to college. I couldn’t bare walking past all the happy people, while I was just feeling so sad and alone. It was to the point I was highly considering ending it all. If I were dead I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain anymore, and I’ve been nothing but everyone’s burden anyway. I had nothing to lose and the loss of my life wouldn’t affect anyone more than a few days. But one day I decided to put my thoughts down on paper in the form of song. I figured I try anything to give myself a reason to live. Quitting has never been much my style anyway, and I wasn’t about to give up now. I discovered that I had a talent when it came to conveying my emotions through raps and poetry. My own secret talent that no one but myself knew about. I continued to write whenever I felt something, or had thoughts that I wanted to save. I’d even make up verses in my head at work.
Fast forward a year later and I'm still being haunted by my demons. It was too much for me ... I felt myself slipping back into the state of mind that I had come to hate and fear. So I decided to record and publish my music to Soundcloud, and it was the BEST decision I’ve made in a while. The music acts as an outlet for my emotions. I no longer have to bottle them up inside. I no longer had to keep things to myself and I finally had a chance to share my story. The best part of it all is the chance to inspire others to do the same. Or hearing that the feelings and emotions in a song were relatable. Or just the simple, “Hey, great song man!” All great things for me to feel better! It's been so relieving to get some things off my chest and be free of the burden, because it can be too much to carry at times. Honestly, I have never felt better. The people who listen to my music inspire me and encourage me to keep writing. I'm still depressed but the music has made it so much more manageable. The music truly has saved my life. Had I not found it, I may not be here to share my story with the world. Music shined a light into my life full of sorrow and darkness.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading! And if you ever find yourself struggling with these thoughts, and you think you’ve run the end of your course, just know that there’s always something to live for. It may not be apparent at the time, but with time you’ll discover a purpose. Remember that some of the most random conversations with strangers can have the power to change your life. Once I was walking home from work (it had to be like 12am) and this random drunk woman approached me. She noticed I looked sad and said “hey let’s hug" and proceeded to give me one of the most heartfelt hugs I’ve ever received. My crappy night was instantly better and I think about it all the time. Some people can really affect you in ways that you never knew. Even the most unfamiliar face. But it’s also important to remember that: comfort doesn't always come in the form of a person. Sometimes it comes from the places we never thought to explore. Thank you and speak out when you’re feeling low.