My ADHD...

So, it is not uncommon knowledge with those around me that I (don't suffer) live with ADHD. My current work environment has somehow managed to bring more of it out as of late. I don't know if it is me slowly losing a grip on my mentality as I deal with a lot of personal battles.

Walking around seeing those who have done a number on you psychologically this year already, watching them have no effect on what has happened, kind of hurts a bit and it reinforces the "victim" label in your head. So you go into work and you try and make the best and most of what you can offer only for it to be thrown in your face. It makes me start to think that the problem really is me and not what else is going on.

I feel like a magnet for so much and it sucks to constantly be on edge wandering around looking for the next personal or physical battle to face. Or even worse, when people manipulate your traits for their own gain but balk at any other kind of interaction—again, it hurts.

I may be older, I may be 30-years-old, but that does not mean I don't have insecurities that I will always carry around when people subtly react to the way I am. And one of those is my honesty. Now I honestly haven't researched much in the ways of ADHD but I personally suffer and this suffering is of a lack of means to know when to filter and what conversation is appropriate for a moment in time. Some people find that amusing whilst others cannot handle that honesty that I am throwing in. Because that is what I do. When I speak, I say it as I see it and some people's own insecurities cannot handle that or the topic being spoken of.

When I was confronted with this reaction today, I "hiccuped" on my strength and felt a bit hurt. I work so hard to keep a smile on my face and keep positive. I was told when I was younger my gift in this world is to make people smile. And I do think that my traits do play a part in that as now I feel I have to have inhibitions. I am not afraid to embarrass or to get a giggle because I really do enjoy giving people a ray of positivity. It is also tying into trying to help people have an easy way of life. I really do not like to see people struggle so when I can help, I will do it.

However, some people know this and are willing to exploit that to their own gain and today my reaction to this was a knockback. But then I thought, why should I feel bad about this? Why should I feel bad about wanting to help someone but they are not willing to be there to help me when I need it? That problem really is not mine at all!

That problem is their weakness; their character flaw, as it were, in their ability to manipulate. You try and help and as spiteful as it may sound, no more help will be offered because I do not see why I should help someone who is happy to manipulate me for their own means. You can call it a weakness but I hit my "fuck-it" button with someone today. That person may not realize they have burnt a bridge but they have and that is my strength because at least I am finding ways to detach myself from poison and toxicity.

I have grown up with a lot of poison, manipulation, and some literally criminal behavior and now, with my own children to worry about, I now find it a lot easier to switch off with people. It's a strength that has been brought on in the past few years as I have come to terms with a late-in-life diagnosis. It is just another matter I have dealt with that my ADHD brings to people's light and highlights their own problems. My honesty highlights the shade that people like to live in but as I said at the start, my battle is my ADHD and that's their problem, not mine.