My ADHD Brain

Journal entry from March 21st 2017: I've had the cloudiest head ever and it's making me feel almost worn out. I constantly feel weak and unfamiliar. I'm not afraid to admit it now. I can’t keep trying to magic the "negativity" away when it’s clearly more than that. I feel like I'm constantly confused and arguing with myself about why I'm feeling or behaving a certain way or why I'm not sticking to or doing certain things that I have such a passion for and could do with such joy and ease. Why can’t I just force myself to prevent having to walk around carrying this guilt? Why, on certain days do I feel so disinterested? Like I have no desire to commit to the things and people I love and then when I do take the leap, I have zero consistency or just simply forget that I started. The confusing bit is on other days, I'm feeling so content yet excited and peaceful all at once and then I find I'm experiencing discomfort and anxiety attached to this feeling. Like it makes me claustrophobic to feel peace. I'm overwhelmed and on edge when I'm in my so-called desired state. How annoying! Does that mean I don’t "suit" happiness?

What on earth does all the revelation and realisation I'm experiencing lately mean? Why is this even happening at this point in my life when I have finally overcome so many long-standing, paralysing obstacles? I find it hard to express or explain what it actually is that I want or what I'm really struggling with and going through but my emotions decide to dictate a lot of it which to be frank—I can't rely on my ever-changing emotions so I just go blank often.

That was written in my journal on March 21st 2017. Just before I was diagnosed with Severe Adult ADHD.

I didn't know much about mental health issues until I was told I had mental health issues.

Early last year, I went to a doctor to discuss my emotions for the first time ever. I've always struggled with my "feelings" and "over-thinking," blocking me throughout my life but I've always just put it down to the effects of childhood trauma, fear of failure or spiritual attack and depended on prayer to get me through, and it always had. Last April however, I assumed that something very odd was happening to my "new set of grown up hormones" (don't laugh, it was the only thing I could think of LOL) because I was feeling nothing short of excitable, wild and full of the most wonderful ideas some days and then numb, glum and highly frustrated and irritated on others. No middle ground, no comfortable place. The severity of the constant switch in how I felt and the fact that none of these states were ones I was fully familiar with, led me to seek advice on how to manage my "raging hormones," or at least learn to balance them. I was planning to see what this doctor had to say and if he brushed it off as "normal for a woman my age," I'd have gone straight to my prayer warriors and then my nutritionist friend (will be introducing you to this don soon) for a spiritual and physical restart and reboot so to speak. Something that was definitely NOT NORMAL (as in a mini mood swing once a month) was taking place in me and I refused to carry the weight of the guilt and confusion around any longer.

Prior to this visit, I had quite an intense couple of years for a number of reasons and I noticed that as my life started to fall into place, and I begun to break away from things that held me back, God revealed that a life changing healing process was taking place in me. One that I had been praying for for a long time. I begun to receive clear answers to questions I had been asking God for over five years and long-standing personal issues and stressful situations started to dissolve, but whilst I identified and appreciated this incredibly beautiful yet painful process, I begun to feel very odd at the same time. It was almost like half the time, I genuinely didn't recognise my thoughts or feelings when I was alone. I felt like I wasn't thinking like the person I thought I was and some days it felt like I couldn't think about or focus my attention on anything at all. I would literally wake up with no feelings or priorities. Just a dull panic. Like I could hear the best or worst news and would feel nothing and was always almost expecting something terrible to happen. I felt completely empty and bored of everything. The confusing part was that as severe as it felt, it would only be on certain days and when I was having a better day, I would forget how it felt so the inconsistency made me feel it was hormonal.

Thinking back, a few people did point out my ADHD-like tendencies over the years but I genuinely thought it was a joke related to some hyperactivity I displayed and didn’t for one second think it could be true. It didn’t enter my head again after it was said. I had this perception that only children had ADHD and they were usually the hyper "shouty" children. If someone mentioned a child with ADHD, I would imagine them to be the ones bouncing around, shouting at the teacher, unable to keep still, having erratic outbursts or kicking over desks and stuff. These were the symptoms that I associated with ADHD, (I wasn't completely wrong but this assumption derived from the fact that children with ADHD can't handle the pressure of the condition mentally so their overwhelm and frustration manifests outwardly). I immediately assumed the doctor thought I had it because I'm over-energetic sometimes and often talk super fast and loud about eight topics at once but I had no idea how he would know that about me when I see him like once every never or why he was bringing it up whilst I expressed my concern for my "fuzzy" head. After being referred and seeing a couple of ADHD specialists and learning more about the condition, I fully understood why. This realisation was the beginning of a "brain battle" that I doubt I will ever be able to fully explain but it has helped me know, understand and accept myself so much more and on such a different level than before. I actually watch and study myself now, where before I was just floating with the elements and letting life happen to me.

There are two types of ADHD which come with their own symptoms. There is inattentive ADHD and hyperactive and impulsive. My next post will be all about the different symptoms but here's a few of the ones that I read about when I first researched Adult ADHD and that stood out and stopped me thinking the doctor had lost the plot by suggesting I had the condition: (I forgot to mention that I was diagnosed with combined ADHD which is a combination of both types)

• Difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or activities
• Emotional dysregulation
• Difficulty organising tasks or activities
• Easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
• Often forgetful in daily activities
• Rejection sensitive dysphoria
• Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected
• Often talks excessively
• Poor self-image (often fails to understand the impact they have on others leaving loved ones with feelings hurt)
• Often interrupts others or blurts out answers to incomplete questions

Whilst these are frustrating things I find myself struggling with, there are some amazing strengths associated with ADHD that I identify with too, such as:

• Endless amounts of energy that they can channel toward success
• Spontaneous and willing to try new things
• Life and soul of the party (cough cough)
• Creative, artistic, original and inventive (great set of adjectives)
• Approach situations with a thoughtful eye
• Hyper-focused

If like me, you resonate with any of these, consider talking to someone (Holla me if you wanna LOL) because adults who suffer with ADHD have usually done so for ages and have no idea. This is why I’ve decided to start my blog around the condition. I’m hoping to help ease the frustration in those who struggle with it and raise awareness to those who "thought" they knew what Adult ADHD was.

Up to now, I've refused medication and I'm changing my lifestyle and eating habits to prevent triggers. I've learned that certain foods are triggers and cause me to have very frustrating and fuzzy days where I feel "ADHD is winning," so I'm going to be working with the best nutritionist there is to adopt natural ways to beat it and to make sure I'm always doing the best thing for my mind and body.

I don't know huge amounts about ADHD yet so I'm still not able to piece things together perfectly or use the correct terms when I speak about it but I'm learning and am on a very interesting and life changing journey as I do so. I will be sharing parts of this journey so feel free to reach out to discuss anything mentioned as we can all learn from each other.

Have a little gander online on the subject too though. There are so many layers to ADHD and I bet most of you are going to be quite shocked at what you learn. It's kinda super common too! (one in ten people)