My Anxiety and Me

It's so hard to explain a mental illness to those that don't have one, or have never met someone that does. Incredibly so, there are people out there that have not come across a mental illness. These are the people I envy.

I promise this isn't going to be an essay full of statistics but I want you, as the reader, to understand how common mental illnesses are. Also I want you to understand that sometimes one disorder comes from another, and so on. I want you to understand that a mental disorder isn't just inside the person's head, it's real and it's painful. I promise the following paragraph will be the only one with statistics, the rest will be all coming from me.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, "Approximately 1 in 25 adults in the US—9.8 million, or 4.0 percent—experiences a serious mental illness in a given year that substantially interferes with or limits one or more major life activities." However, right now, I just want to discuss anxiety. Whether you know it or not, having various mental disorders can clash and combine with each other. This isn't a statistic, this is me talking about my own experience. Yet, the Anxiety and Depression Association of America state, "It's not uncommon for someone with an anxiety disorder to also suffer from depression or vice versa." I suffer from anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. I don't want pity, I don't want people to feel bad, I want you to understand the truth behind it. At least from my perspective and experiences. The truth is, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, "Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the US, affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18.1 percent of the population every year."

I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time, longer than I can remember. For me, it's the norm. It runs in my mom's side of the family, and it's all I've ever known.

Imagine that...Waking up every day, wondering if that knot in your stomach will go away today, or if it will drag you down no matter what you do and where you go. That's just the beginning. Then you start to think: Maybe something bad is going to happen today...Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Could I have done things differently? Is there something wrong with me? Are my friends okay? Something doesn't feel right.

Then comes the realization that now you have to start your day. You have to step out of your bed. Live your life. Be responsible. Have human contact...But the knot in your stomach still hasn't left you. Some days are worst than other, some days that knot in your stomach might make you emotional. Then you start to cry because you're stressing out about the day ahead of you. You cry because yet again you have to fake a smile and act like you feel fine when in reality you are battling your own mind. That knot in your stomach is only getting stronger and then you wipe away the tears because you know you have to get up and live life. You know you are fine and this is your anxiety acting up again.

For me, medication isn't an option. For two reasons: One, my insurance doesn't fully cover a therapist or a psychiatrist or the prescriptions; Two, I have a very high tolerance for just about anything so medication never did anything for me any way, nor do I wanna be reliant on it. For people like me, this means battling this on your own, and of course with some type of support system.

Yet, I also know that sometimes anxiety doesn't really let you trust anyone. Sometimes you question everyone's intentions, so you would rather just keep it to yourself. Other times, it's just easier keeping it to yourself than having to explain what it's like. Maybe if you relate to me you can show them this and hope that they get some understanding of what you are going through.

There are days when I don't want to do anything, and then there are days that I want to be out and about. Sometimes I get up and dressed and BAM! It hits me like a storm. I won't feel pretty anymore, I won't want any human contact, I start to question if I'll even have fun or if it'll even be worth stepping foot outside. Then I get angry or upset because I feel like I will never be good enough and I just ruined my plans with my friends. These emotions can be from my anxiety or a combination of all of the above, but that knot in my stomach comes back and it makes every decision I make that much harder.

There are times where people question how someone like me can even have anxiety. How someone who like thrill and adrenaline can even be phased like that. How someone social and outgoing can even dare to say they struggle with a mental illness. Those are people that only know the side of me I want them to see. Those are the people I don't know enough or don't trust enough to see me struggle. Reality is, I can be very shy. Yes, I have outgrown most of it, but there are times when I don't talk to anyone unless I am talked to first. There are times when a crowd of people makes me want to run and hide.

Try going to mall, and getting anxious just by walking through the front door. All the strangers walking around in a rushed manner, pushing through as if you're just a bump on the road. That knot in your stomach is back. I want to go home. Then you walk into the first store, it's disorganized. You can't find anything you like, everything starts to look the same. The knot in your stomach starts to get stronger and now you have a lump in your throat. You walk out quickly, try to hold back the tears, try to push back the break-down. So many people, so many strangers, everyone rushing past you, everyone looking at you. RUN. You get back in your car and you cry because you don't know what's wrong with you. While everyone else is out buying stuff and living their life, you struggle to get yourself a simple shirt.

Sometimes simple tasks can become so difficult when that knot in your stomach won't go away. Your mind races, and sometimes your mind even goes blank. A long day of stress, that knot in your stomach has been with you since you woke up, add on one more overwhelming thing and your mind goes over the edge. Picture this, you're with someone you love. You are arguing, you've been arguing every day about literally anything and everything. You already woke up having a rough day. No matter how bad you want the fighting to end, it doesn't. Then they say something that just pushes you off the edge. You had enough, your mind has been officially had enough. Auto-pilot is turned on. You have no control of this numbness. Your voice goes monotone, you feel no emotion, you have no reaction to anything. You are done for the day. They ask you what's wrong, you might even ask yourself but you feel nothing and say nothing. Your voice is not your own, your eyes have a blank stare, your mind has shut down. Sometimes you can snap out of it, other times you have no control of it. For that moment, you are no longer there. You are "okay," you are in auto-pilot—as I call it.

Then there are times when your mind handles thing the complete opposite way. Imagine the same situation, you are fighting. They say something that pushes you over the edge. Your mind and emotions can no longer take anything else. This day has officially become too over whelming for you. You start to cry or maybe not cry at all, but your breath starts to get shorter; faster. You struggle to catch your breath, you know what's coming next. First your lips start to get numb from all the quick breathing. Then they start to tingle, and your fingers join in. Your hands are shaking. You still can't breathe. You panic because there is no getting out of this attack. Your breathing get worse, the tingling get stronger. Your heart is racing. You feel light-headed. Your eyes lose focus. Your body feels weak. Who ever is around you is telling you to breathe, to relax, but sometimes nothing they say will be enough. Depending on how you handle emotions, simply being held by someone will help slow your breathing down. For me, it depends on the situation at hand and why the anxiety attack started in the first place. If I'm fighting with someone, I don't want to be touched. Anything they say or do can sometimes make it worse. I have to fight my emotions back as much as possible to catch my breath. I cry because I hate this part. I cry because I'm fighting my own mind.

That's something that your partner needs to understand, this is where you learn how to help. Anxiety comes and goes for everyone differently. Sometimes therapy helps, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes medication helps, sometimes it's not enough or just isn't what we need. Patience is beyond important. You need to understand that we all have different triggers, and depending on the day...anything can be a trigger. That's why sometimes we think we are impossible to love. Dealing with anxiety makes life hard and you need to be there to make it easier. If you notice that we are at that point where one more thing might push us off the edge, just stop. Breathe. The fight is not as important as our metal state of mind is. If you need to be the one to walk away from the fight or apologize, then do so. Pride is not something to have at this point in time. Stop screaming, stop making it about you. This is not about you, this is something we have to deal with. Notice the small triggers, notice the fast breathing, notice the blank stare, notice the quiet days, the monotone voice. We're not asking you to stop living your life, we're asking for you to take a moment to realize that we are struggling with ours. Yes, it is our own job to help ourselves but a little help from loved ones never hurts. Gain knowledge about our disorder. Look up symptoms, ask us about our trigger, try to learn about what our minds do to us. Sometimes, we can't talk about it because it's hard to explain, but we are in a day and age where we have everything in the palms of our hands. Use that technology to learn more about your loved ones and how you can be there for them. It's not that hard to be there when you know what to look out for.

Works Cited:

Any Mental Illness (AMI) Among Adults. (n.d.). Retrieved October 23, 2015, from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/any-mental-illness-ami-among-adults.shtml

https://adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics