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My Anxiety, My Depression

Mental illness is easier when you learn how to fight the good fight!

By Shanita MarshallPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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In the summer of 2017, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder. For years, I knew that something was off with me. Whenever something bad would happen in my life, I took it extremely hard. I would cry myself to sleep every night—and I don’t mean just a few tears,I mean crying like someone had broken my heart; literally snatched it from my chest and shattered it into a million pieces. I would also think of ways to end my own life. I always found myself utterly alone, even if I was surrounded by people. I always put on that fake smile and I even managed to work up some credible laughs to go with it. But when I was alone, I was in a dark state of mind. The only reason that I could come up with not to end my own life was the bible. The bible says that suicide is a sin. If I took my own life, all I could see was me burning in hell for eternity, which was exactly what I did not want. So I continued to suffer in silence until I just couldn’t anymore.

When I was diagnosed, I wasn’t even surprised. The therapist had me take several tests and the scores were scary high. She told me that my options were either medication to deal with my mood swings or therapy. I did not want to be on drugs. I did not want to do that to my body because I was afraid of the side effects. I’ve seen too many movies about what those drugs could do to you. I chose therapy. Therapy has taught me that mental illness does not have to be crippling. You do not have to feel down or as if your entire life has to be spent living under the covers. You can take control of your anxiety. You just have to develop a plan, such as who will be your support system. Who do you know without a shadow of a doubt will be there at 2 AM when you are having a melt down? Those people need to be at the top of your list. They also have to know that they are at the top of your list so that they can be prepared to pick you up when you fall. Know what your triggers are. If a movie, song, or person is going to set you off, avoid it at all costs. If you can’t, have some coping mechanisms on stand by, such as your favorite song, going on long walks, playing with your pet, or writing. Music and writing definitely help me to get out of my own head. The whole point of coping mechanisms is to pull you out of your funk, and quickly! The most important thing is to not let your episodes interfere with your life. We all have our moments, but for someone living with anxiety, those moments can be a whole lot worse.

I am learning that my anxiety and depression are genetically linked. My mother suffers from a form of anxiety and my brother is bipolar. All of our mental illnesses are different and we all deal with them a certain way. My mother hides hers really well, but she finds solace in her best friend and fiancé. I never see her have an episode, but my brother, when he has his episodes, I swear all he sees is red. My mother is the only one who can calm him down when he gets that way and let me tell you, it is a scary sight. Lately my episodes have being linked to the stress of my job. I’ve noticed that when I am overwhelmed, I get frustrated really quickly. It has been harder and harder to deal with my episodes because I have triggers both at home and at work. My support system isn’t as reliable as I hoped that they would be. So my best advice for someone who is struggling with mental illness with lack of support, find someone whether it is meeting new people online or a support group. Even if it is me. You can cry and sleep all you want, but when you wake up, those issues will be there waiting for you. Occupy your mind the best way that you can and find as much peace as possible. The world is a disaster but your mind doesn’t have to be. I suffer from mental illness and every day is a struggle, but every day that I am alive is another day that I get to prove how strong I am. Never give up. Never stop fighting.

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About the Creator

Shanita Marshall

Hello, my name is Shanita and I am just seeking to have my voice heard. Hope you like what you read.

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