My Days with Anxiety

Everyone has a bit of anxiety in their lives. It can be something simple like a test coming up or something complex like asking yourself, “What if I’m a minute late to homeroom?” That question used to get it started every morning. If I was a minute late to homeroom then the door would be closed, if the door was closed I’d have to knock, if I have to knock then everyone will look to see who knocked. That question punched me in the stomach 45 minutes before my alarm every morning and punched harder if I dared to try and sleep more. It started when I was in 7th grade. I honestly thought I was just dying at times. I had no idea what this constant pain was when eyes were on me or why I was doomed to never fully sleep, a doctor took a look at me and declared it an ulcer. Omeprazole can’t clear omnipresent dreams.

After being placed on the easy way out, to young to be unwell, I did what any self-respecting teenager would do; I googled it. Of course I know better than to let Google break the news to me I have cancer, but I still knew it wasn’t an ulcer waking me up at the same minute every weekday. Eventually the doctors admitted I may have a slight itty bit of anxiety and that just may possibly be causing me so much pain. That conversation lasted a whole 2 minutes and 37 seconds. Your daughter has anxiety. We can offer aroma therapy or medications. She will take aroma therapy. Are you sure? Yes. Imagine that, having pains every morning when you wake up for years and never being able to do the things you want so bad, then being told it will all go away by some oil on a cotton ball strapped to my chest. I felt like I experienced all the pain secondhand, like when a toddler bumps into the table and shrieks in pain. So I strapped on my cotton ball.

As I got older I started to notice something that really sucked. It took hold of my relationships and held them underwater only coming up enough to gasp for air then push it back under. What I mean by this is my anxiety made me so paranoid about every little action and word that half the time things would just come out of my mouth that I didn’t even mean. I think the most ridiculous thing my brain made was a series of connections over a two-year span. By the end of it I decided that them being close two years ago and her being added on Facebook meant they had a thing. I always just let it trample over my relationships, making me the overprotective girlfriend. I always thought it would be just an endless loop I was stuck in and I would never fully be able to look at something reasonably, but I learned. I forced myself to. I made sure feedback was at least an hour later if I was feeling anxious about it; I held off choices for days. I bet it was a pain but it helped me. I made sure I was making choices I wanted. I made sure I was reacting how I wanted. I know I’ll never fully escape it, but at that point you have to find someone in your life who understands.

This was short and sweet, but this is my first time ever writing about this. There are only so many things you can get your brain to recall at a time and that’s OK. I hope this relates to at least one person, then I know this was worth my time to sit and write my side. Thank you for reading.