My Depression

Sometimes I wonder why I feel like this. Why it’s something that happens to me. Not that it’s something I want to happen to anyone but I wonder what happened to make this something that I experience. When I was younger I didn’t understand it, I didn’t know why I was ok one minute and then I was sad the next. And y’know sometimes I still don’t understand it all.

See, I have so many ups and downs when this stuff comes back I can barely sort it out myself. I breathe in and I breathe out and I know I’m here and I know that I feel things but I still feel like I’m distanced from things. It’s like an out of body type feeling. I don’t wanna move, I just wanna sit in my bed and binge watch Shameless on my laptop and eat ice cream. But I also want to get up and I wanna run! But I feel too fat and then I see my reflection and I see all the imperfections.

Then, I pull out my phone and I see a text from some random guy off of tinder that I’m talking to cause I’m bored, he calls me pretty and I feel good. But then I look at my pictures and I see the ones that have a filter from Snapchat and I feel like false advertisement. And then I remember it’s tinder and he’s probably only trying to hook up anyway so why’s it matter? Why not just be a quick lay? Oh yeah cause I’m too self conscious too be confident in that, not to mention I’ve never had a boyfriend much less had a sexual partner. Why did my parents lie to me? Why did they tell me I’m beautiful when I know I’m not? Why am I the way I am in the play I’m at? Why this why now?!?!

I breathe in and I breathe out and all of those things go through my mind in only a few seconds. So I get up out of bed, I turn out the lights, put on my headphones and I climb back under the blankets on my bed and watch Shameless. I watch two seasons in two days and just like that my weekend is gone. I hear my friends out in the hall talking and laughing, everyone going to parties and enjoying themselves. I try and break myself out of it for a minute and I try to join, I tell em about the crappy date I had and I get a few laughs... but then I feel it again, the big heavy jacket of sad just pushing down on my shoulders.

So I go back into my room and I eat Reese’s peanut butter cups and I cry a little bit. Then, I write and I watch more Shameless and I wonder why this has to happen. I look at the clock and realize I have Spanish in eight hours and a composition in class which I feel like I’m gonna fail. But that’s ok cause it’s just one grade right? But it’s not. Cause I don’t like getting less than the best. I cry when I get lower than an 80. I feel more inadequate than I already do. But I know I’m smart, or am I? Cause I know I’m pretty too, but nobody except my family tells me that. And that’s why I was so gung-ho to go and to get drunk and to let my first kisses be with a random guy and a random girl that I had never met in my life while we were all drunk. Because I wanted to get it over with while I felt confident, cause I didn’t wanna be that girl that had never even kissed someone...

Gah! Breathe in, breathe out. That’s enough for now, enough self-pity... I say this but I know it’s not gonna stop. I know the heavy jacket won’t come off. So I grab my stuffed animal and I cuddle it like it was my cat and I tell myself tomorrow is gonna be better and I finish another season of Shameless. This is my depression, this is what makes me wonder why things are the way they are. Because this is my life, and I don’t think there’s much of anything that can change it.