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My Depression and Support Networks

A Little Reminder That It's Okay Not to Be Okay and to Never Be Afraid of Asking for Help When It's Needed

By chan.Published 6 years ago • 6 min read
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The past two years my depression and anxiety have been worse than ever.

I thought graduating from university would move me into another exciting chapter of my life but moving back to Leeds has hit me harder than I could ever imagine. From having no luck finding a job related to my degree and being stuck in a job where management chooses to ignore all the issues going on and how stressed staff are whilst watching my friends land their dream jobs to being in one of the hardest relationships and dealing with the worst break up of my life, along with a number of family issues, for the past two years I've felt like I've been in a never ending downwards spiral and everything that could possibly go wrong has gone to shit. The stress has also for the first time in my life not only affected me mentally and emotionally but physically too; it's caused other health issues and I've lost a lot of weight from a lack of appetite and uncontrollable nausea.

Because of the way I've been feeling, I've not been making as much effort to speak to or go see my friends that live here or that I met at uni causing me to drift away from the majority of my support network including the one friend I always thought I'd be the closest to making me believe she didn't care anymore or want to be there. Even though deep down I knew this happens with friends every time I feel this way, I still believed it was her with the issue and I never made any effort to sort it out because I was terrified speaking to her about it would confirm everything I thought to be true and that she didn't want me in her life anymore. I also wanted to avoid any form of conflict that might make me feel worse so for the past two years we've grown further and further apart.

I've failed to be there for the people that mean the most because I was so sucked into the worst excuse of a relationship I've ever been in and allowed myself to be manipulated and gaslighted for a year and a half too long. The guilt of doing everything I could to make him happy whilst turning my back on the people that actually mattered has destroyed me.

BUT, as soon as I was out of it and had a wake-up call of how much I was actually struggling with my illness, I finally listened to my friends and family's advice and took myself to the doctors to ask for help. Even though from the age of 12-17 I was in and out of counseling, the thought of having to go back and ask for help again at the age of 22 made me feel weak and embarrassed. I remembered all the doctors I spoke to when I was younger that belittled my problems and made me feel like I was over exaggerating and told me everything will blow over soon and the thought of having to deal with that again stopped me from seeking the help I desperately needed. But I finally did it and dragged myself in cause I didn't want my family to see me in the state that I was in anymore. Luckily every GP I've spoken to these past few months have been more understanding than I ever could have hoped. They've put me on antidepressants (sertraline), recommended counseling again which I haven't started just yet, I'm using mindfulness and meditation and the more open and honest I am with people about my condition the stronger I feel.

Today I messaged the friend I grew apart from and explained everything and why I've not been around recently and I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and understanding response. As sad as I am for leaving it as long as I did I genuinely couldn't be happier knowing we've still got each other's backs no matter what.

I've still got a looong long way to go but the point of this post is to show others that might be struggling that things do start feeling better and as hard as it is to move past those negative thoughts that make you question absolutely everything, it IS possible. Opening up to people when there's still so much stigma around mental health is terrifying, whether it's something you've had to deal with in the past or not. But I promise you anyone that listens to your problems and refuses to try and understand are not people that you want in your life and will only make you feel worse. This applies to family, friends, and partners too. Remove the toxic people or situations out of your life, remind yourself how beautiful and strong you are, and never be worried to admit you need help because it affects more people than you know. You're not alone and the negative thoughts will always pass as long as you surround yourself with the right people and are using the right kind of help to get better. And please please don't give up or be disheartened because counseling or antidepressants worked for people you know and isn't working for you. Just because you have the same illness as someone else doesn't mean your road to recovery will be the same. Speak to your GP and be honest and they will help you. If not, try a different GP until you get the help you actually need. It feels like a never-ending and very lonely battle at times but I promise you it won't always be this hard. I spoke to three different psychologists when I was younger that all made me feel crazy until I finally found someone that actually listened to my problems without judgment and taught me different ways of thinking until I no longer felt like the negative thoughts were taking over and I felt ten times happier within myself.

Challenge your negative thoughts on a daily basis because if I never did I wouldn't have got my friend back, I wouldn't have got out of my soul-destroying relationship and I probably wouldn't still be here today. It's so easy to let it take over and completely isolate yourself but this will only make things worse.

And to my family and friends that have supported me, whether it's just a message to check on me or we've had to cancel our night out and you've had to sit with me cause of a panic attack whilst my makeup and snot has been wiped on your previously fire outfit or you're one of the people that forced me to seek help, I honestly can't show you enough gratitude and love because you've got me through the hardest time and I will always respect and love you all for that. To anyone I've grown apart from recently or in my past I hope this helps you understand a bit more and I apologise for letting it go on for so long.

And to anyone that might know someone that is struggling and has no idea how to help, just letting them know you're there for them to speak to or even if you're just getting them out of the house for a few hours can help more than you could imagine. And remember just because something might not sound like a big deal to you, the person struggling might see it as one of the most difficult situations yet. Listen without judgment. Be patient, kind, and understanding.

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

💚💚💚

depression
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