My Depression, Anxiety, and Truth

Recently, I wrote a post on my personal Facebook page about depression. I touched on the fact that depression is not merely the feeling of being sad, but in and of itself, much more than that. This "thing" we call depression rears its head in other forms. Forms such as, anger, isolation, anxiety, the feeling of being overwhelmed or underwhelmed, darkness, emptiness, paranoia, and sometimes even feeling like you are drowning in a deep, dark sea and you can see no "hope" of a light in the distance to be saved.

I am aware that depression can be linked to suicidal thoughts and tendencies. However, this is my point of view, and though I am aware, this wasn't the case for me. Although my thoughts have gotten quite dark at times, I haven't attempted anything of that sort, and I urge anyone that may be having those thoughts or feelings, to please seek medical help immediately.

I felt that I should write this for myself, but also for those of us out there that just need to know they are not alone in the stranger sides of depression and anxiety. Like, as I write this I keep picking at my nails and at my skin. It is an anxiety quirk. I do it when I feel on edge. I find something on my person to pick at. My anxieties and depression are very much linked. When I am experiencing one, the other is soon to follow.

Let's start with my anxiety... I can't catch my breath. I mean I can breathe, right? I am not flopping on the floor deprived of oxygen, but I can't breathe. It is fast and rushed making me light headed or it is slow and heavy taking everything in me to heave in and out for breath of life. Outbursts of emotional tears, not just crying, but wailing. They are not controlled and can happen at any time or anywhere. These are my more debilitating traits of anxiety. The more subtle symptoms are thoughts and emotions. You know, the ones you can't slow down or get rid of? The paranoid thought that something is BOUND to go WRONG. That proverbial shoe that is about to be dropped? But it is an endless feeling even if that shoe never does drop. It is the "wait"... the waiting for it to drop. Anxiety can make me form assumptions that are likely wrong or have no basis whatsoever, yet I feel strongly enough to jump to conclusions. My anxiety sets me up into a heightened emotional state. It makes me sensitive to anything anyone says or does to me. This can be with friends, lovers, family or just people I've known for a short time.

Now, on to my depression...Depression has a few forms that it visits me in. One form is anger. I grow irritable and unrealistic. What I mean by that is even though the logic answer is "the sky is blue" if I feel I am right and I am already upset or angry about it I will still argue "the sky is purple". This isn't just arguments for arguments sake. These are stand toe to toe screaming matches with the people I love the most just because I feel as though my thoughts and voice aren't being heard and I am angry, so I must keep pushing until I release my overflow of emotion. So, that means when I have had the argument (usually over something extremely stupid) I have the release and I seem to calm down. The problem with this is after this stage, I usually become weepy and emotional. I feel like a complete failure and a moron for arguing a point that wasn't even realistic or valid in any way, but I still feel some sort of relief from the argument itself because of the release of emotion build up. Another form is unworthiness. It is crippling. I don't feel as though I am worthy of love, life, my accomplishments or anything. I don't even feel worthy enough to be a mother to my five-year-old son. This form will downright eat at me. It will consume my thoughts and I will dwell on my flaws, failures and incompetence as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, businesswoman, etc. I also experience the sadness that depression can bring and the other emotions that it can provoke. They just aren't as often as these.

Now, here is the thing...I have stressors. These are stress, worrying, accidents, and not living up to my full potential. These stressors trigger my anxiety which in turn triggers my depression. Sometimes, you can't foresee the stressors coming, sometimes you can. I have never been able to effectively avoid stress or worrying and since those are my two most prominent stressors I continue to fall into this cycle. People tell me all the time, "just don't worry" or "stop stressing about things you can't change," but unfortunately, my mind doesn't really allow that. I have worked on meditating and I have worked on keeping busy. Nothing seems to truly work for me. So for now, I have just learned to be aware! I am self aware. I know what I am going through and I just have to keep myself in as much check as I can. And truthfully, writing helps. This isn't for everyone, but for me, it does. I sure do hope this helps others. Because I know that everyone feels depression and anxiety in different ways, it isn't just conformed to one way. And there is no wrong or right way to really treat it. It is based on what you respond to. I just think people and myself should love ourselves even if they do have flaws or depression or anxiety. We are still people and we deserve love and respect.